竹板凳的漁瘟

How was your day?

Tomorrow is your 5K. You probably need to wake up early right? Are you guys going there together? Are you spending the night together? Or perhaps you have already done that. Does he also find waking up next to you and seeing your peaceful face calm and beautiful? Does he ever say things that I’ve told you before? Does it ever make you quiver because it reminds you of me?

Are those words more believable when it’s coming out of his mouth? Are they more beautiful? Are the experiences that we shared more pleasing when it was him?

I am scared.

I don’t know if I’ll ever to able to love another person as much as I loved you. It scares me because deep down inside I think I know the answer. I don’t think I can love another person when I am not sure I can give her all of myself. There was a girl who was an innocent as the blue sky, one day she grew up and took a little bit of me away. And I don’t know what she did with it. Perhaps she threw it in the trash, perhaps she fed it to the dogs, or perhaps she kept it in her heart also to replace the bit of her I took.

You’ve always asked my why I am so sure about our relationship. I didn’t know you meant you weren’t sure about our relationship. Last four years was amazing for me. For the first time of my life, I was happy most of the time. The only times I was sad is when you were not around. There was no teacher beating me until I bleed. There was no virus killing my mom. There was no parting with friends and every thing I loved. There was only the uncertainty of future, and I thought I could handle it because you were next to me.

It makes me miserable and angry know you did not feel the same way and you didn’t let me know.

Some people said you were unfair and a bit selfish as if that would comfort me. Love is unfair and selfish. That is why I still miss you. I still wish you would call me, even though probably makes you resent me even more.

Baobei, if you had another chance, would you have done anything different? Would you still stop telling me how you really feel? Would you stop hating me like how I don’t hate you? Would you give me a chance to run with you like how we always wanted?

What happened sil? Before I left for Taiwan, you were upset that when I come back, it would be too late for your 5k. If I didn’t miss that race, would you still have run with me?

Today, I take off your bracelet. When you made it, were you mad at me forcing you to make it? It is so pretty yet so grimy, like our love that once existed.

How is Sebastian sleeping next to you? Does he also snore and bother you? I hope he doesn’t. This is your turn to feel happy.

Have fun running tomorrow.

p.s. After I took it off, I spend half an hour trying to make it into my cell phone chain. I am hopeless…

How are you doing?
I guess that’s a silly question. You must be doing well. Who wouldn’t be happy being with the one that they love. Gong to dragon boat practice to be with friends, running 5k with the one that you care about, you must be really happy now. I just got from San Diego… Ok that’s not true, after I got off the plane I went to my Company’s farewell party. I only had one Genes and I turned purple had had a bad headache.

After admitting that you will never come back again, I am feeling a little better. It still hurts when I look at our pictures, because it reminds me of how happy we were. But when I miss you, it doesn’t hurt that much anymore. I guess I am just getting numb.

When I went to San Diego on Friday, I was feeling pretty good. I guess a new environment helps to distract me. I was amused when I discovered that I am staying in this place with a living room, a study, a kitchen, upstairs and 2 beds alone. I sent you a text in excitement. Then I discovered that I even have 2 bathrooms, I thought it was pretty funny, so I sent another text telling you I have two bathrooms. Little did I know that the first text message actually didn’t go through. So all you saw was me telling you that I have two bathrooms.

I got in the hotel at 9:00 and I haven’t had dinner. My hotel is the Residence Inn at La Jolla, right next to UCSD, the mall, and that church they call Disneyland. So I went for a walk in hope of stumbling on to some nice restaurants. Instead, I found something better, Rubio’s! It must been months since I had Rubio’s. I was so excited, so I sent you another text. I had the tres-fish taco special for 4.25. I love southern California. It’s like coming home, even when I am in San Diego. All the stores are familiar and the atmosphere is the same.

Maybe my messages reminded you of me. When you called me, I was surprised. I was also very touched, because you cared. I am very sorry that I asked you about Sebastian, which dragged our conversation down to the poopers. But like I said, if Sebastian is a big part of your life, there is no avoiding it. I want to be your friend. But I also want you be to truthful to me. If we couldn’t do that when we were a couple, at least we can be truthful when we are friends. I guess I won’t be hearing from you for a while.

The next day after the training, me, Simon (from Hong Kong office) JC (from Korean office) and Dave went to this bar where the Qualcomm people calls Building K. I didn’t want anything to drink, but everyone ordered a glass of Amber, so I ordered a small one. But Dave, of all of them, ordered a glass of water! Wait, that’s what I WANT!

The whole time I was looking at my phone, hoping for something. After I came home, I logged on online and hope to see someone. Finally I decided to get out. I was thinking about going to the Zoo to see the nocturnal animals, but that is only for the summer. So I asked Donna what’s there to do around La Jolla. Instead of telling me where all the hot UCSD girls hang out, she started talking to me, something that hasn’t happened for a long while. We talked about you, and she asked me if I’d like to meet at Rubio’s. I guess she wanted to cheer me up.

So, that’s how I met Donna for the first time. She’s not exactly how I pictured she’d look. Instead of talking about the breakup like she wanted, we talked about politics. Quite funny I think. She’s probably the only girl I know who likes to talk about politics, which is something I don’t really enjoy talking about with friends, ha.

On Thursday, I got back from work and the area around my hotel had a black out. There was no light anywhere at my hotel. So I decided to go to Irvine to have dinner. I figured, it only takes about an hour to get to Irvine. Just like going to Rowland Heights on a weeknight to have dinner right? I was planning to get there and leave the keys, then ask you to pick it up. That way you wouldn’t have to see me. Traffic was worst than I thought, but it still only took about one hour.

When I passed Mission Viejo and the Spectrum I was getting really hungry. When I drove into your plaza, I saw your car. I’ll probably never get to drive it again. I called you to have you pick it up down stairs, you said you weren’t home. I was kind of relieved and sad at the same time. Then I saw Pat inside. I waved at her. She was pretty surprised to see me, why wouldn’t she, haha. I gave her your key and the mayday rock leehom CD. She asked me to come in then asked me if I had anything to eat. Then she asked if I want to go out to eat. I guess everyone wants to cheer me up.

I wanted going to Good year winter, but for some reason it wasn’t opened. So we went to the restaurant next doors. Pat said she was surprised that we broke up. I guess besides you, who weren’t. She said everyone thought we were the perfect couple because we never fought. I thought so too. Pat said you were always kind of mysterious to them. They never knew what you are thinking, or what’s going on with you. I wondered if that was my fault. I told her I always suggested you to go out with Pat but you always felt weird about that.

It was weird having people trying to comfort me, because it doesn’t really make me feel better. I am here eating with Pat, talking about how Rico and Natsuka had a fight because Natsuka said they never do anything, and you are somewhere out there enjoying every moment. I could imagine it. You probably were mad for me coming to Irvine because you said “No, don’t worry about it” in your text, meaning you don’t want me to come over.

Pat said she have seen Sebastian three times. She said he looks like an Alhambra person, which means he looks like an ABC. Also that he is really talkative. I wonder when you two have a conversation who would talk more. Because I know when you like someone you are really talkative too. Maybe this time you’ll be the listener?

I dropped Pat off in front of your door. Pat asked me if I wanted to come in again. Then she hesitated, because she said she doesn’t know what kind of car Sebastian drives, so she isn’t sure if you guys were inside. I don’t think you and Sebastian are inside. But I don’t want to be there anyway. I know you wouldn’t be happy to see me. So I left for San Diego. On the way I was listening to HEAT, the San Diego equivalent of POWER, and suddenly they played Two Occasions by Baby face for no apparent reason.

I know the real reason that you left me is because you love your new life style. Surrounded by friends who will ask you how your day is. Just hanging out with a group of friends doing what ever comes to mind. And me being there and asking you to give me a call is just a burden. But, perhaps you have to admit that Sebastian being there helped speed it up too. I wasn’t going to stand in your way of your new life style. But someone there made you sure that you don’t want me to be a part of your life anymore.

I still miss our own life style. When we can go out together and do things we find interesting. But I’ll have to find myself a group of friends too. Maybe I can learn to forget my love for you just like you did me.

p.s. When I came back to San Diego there were still no power in my hotel and its surrounding areas. The only place that had power was Ralph. Another thing they don’t have up here. There were a whole bunch of UCSD students just haning out in Ralph studying. It was pretty funny.

p.p.s. I wanted to buy you a post card. But I couldn’t find any. Maybe next time.

愛　你　等　於　愛　自　己
Ai4 Ni3 Den3 Yu2 Ai4 Zi4 Ji3

淋　我　淋　過　的　雨　，　吹　你　吹　過　的　風　，　比　風　雨　還　親　蜜。
Lin2Wo3 Lin2 Guo4 De Yu3， cue ni3 cue guo4 de fong ， bi3 fong yu3 hai2 cing mi4
兩　個　人　的　影　子　，在　同　一　個　天　地　，擁　有　一　樣　的　回　憶。
Liang3 Ge Ren2 De Ying3 Zi，zai4 tung2 yi ge tian di4，Yung3 yo3 yi2 yang4 de hue2 Yi4

心　想　著　你　，　眼　看　著　你　，　就　像　貼　近　自　己。
Xin Xiang3 zhe ni3，Yan3 Kan4 zhe ni3，jio4 xiang4 tie jin4 zi4 ji3
傻　的　笑　的　，　就　好　像　你　，　像　你　一　樣　甜　蜜。
sa3 de xao4 de　，jio4 hao3 xiang4 ni3，xiang4 ni3 yi2 yang4 tian2 mi4

是　不　是　愛　你　就　會　變　成　你　？　oh..yeah..
shi4 bu2 shi4 ai4 ni3 jio4 hue4 cheng2 ni3 ？　oh.. yeah..
愛　你　就　等　於　愛　自　己　Mm..Well..Well(Alright)
ai4 ni3 jio4 deng3 yu2 ai4 zi4 gi3 Mm..Well..Well(Alright)

我　想　你　的　難　題　，　你　寫　我　的　日　記　，　比　愛　人　還　親　蜜。
wo3 xiang3 ni3 de nan2 ti2，ni3 xie3 wo3 de re4 ji4　，　bi3 ai4 ren2 hai2 cing me4
我　還　沒　說　可　惜　，你　已　經　在　嘆　氣　，不　可　思　議　的　默　契。
wo3 hai2 mei2 shuo ke3 xi2，ni3 yi3 jieng zi4 tan4 qi4，bu2 ke3 se yi4 de muo4 qi4

心　想　著　你　，　眼　看　著　你　，　就　像　貼　近　自　己。
xin xiang3 zhe ni3，yan3 kan4 zhe ni3，jio4 xiang4 tie jin4 zi4 ji3
怪　不　得　，　擁　抱　感　覺　會　越　來　越　熟　悉。
Guai4 bu4 de2，yung3 bao4 gan3 jue2 hue4 yue4 lai2 yue4 shou2 xi

是　不　是　你　所　有　的　秘　密。
shi4 bu2 shi4 ni3 shuo3 yo3 de mi4 mi4。
已　經　成　為　我　的　呼　吸　Ah~　不　再　分　離。
yi3 jing cheng2 wei2 wo3 de hu xi Ah~ bu4 zi4 fen li2



Loving you is the same as loving myself.

Getting wet on the rain drops falling off of me, Getting blown by the wind that slid off you, we are closer than wind and rain.
The shadow of two, under the same sky, having the same memories.

when I think of you, when I look at you, it's like getting close to myself.
My silliness my smile are just like you, just as sweet as you.

Do I become you when I love you? oh.. yeah..
Loving you is the same as loving myself. Mm..Well..Well(Alright)

I solve your tough problems, you write my diarys, we are closer than lovers.
Before I said pitty, you are already sighing, impecable tacit understanding.

When I think of you, when I look at you, it's like getting close to myself.
No wonder your embrace is becoming more and more familiar.

Have all your secrets,
Become a part of my breath? Ah~ We shall never leave each other.

It is so hard to stop thinking about you.
I think I have realized that I will never get you back.
You will never love me like you did before.
So I'll do just that.

Just let me miss you one last time.

There are so many things that I miss about you, I don't even know how to start.

I miss seeing your face first thing in the morning.

I miss those times we just opened our eyes and simply look at each other with a smile for a long long time.

I miss you singing good morning, good morning, it’s great to stay up late next to my ears when we didn’t stay up at all.

I miss the times you stayed in bed all day just listen to the rain and watched TV.

I miss those times we just talk when we wake up, the talks that made us understand each other more than anyone else.

I miss the times you flip on top of me and say you love me.

I miss when I made you laugh at the smallest things. An impression or some silly joke, though I am not very good at it.

I miss your innocent smile, as bright as your nick name, makes me forget about my worries, the smile that I fell in love with by first sight.

I miss those four tiny wrinkles on your nose when you smile, just like that song “what a wonderful day”.

I miss the way you say “I don’t have wrinkles on my nose!!”

I miss your nose, I used to bite it. You used to say it’s big, but it is not big at all.

I miss your soft lips, the first set of lips I kissed. They are red like peach blossom on their own, the sexiest feature on your face.

I miss your tongue, soft yet firm, warm and moist like the beach in Taiwan. You make it touch your chin just to make me smile.

I miss your chin. it has a life of its own.

I miss playing with your ears, and hearing you say “No sloppy ear!”

I miss your soft dark brown hair, which is not black. When it was very long I used to sleep on it and hurt you by accident. I love playing with your hair and see you close your eyes to enjoy my touch with a big big smile, making meow meow noises. When we first got together, you didn’t used to comb it. You wanted me to play with your hair, so you started combing it everyday.

I miss the way your hair smells, first it smelled like lavender, then coconut, for a while it smelled like green apple, now it smells like pomegranate. When I tried to bring the two huge bottles of pomegranate shampoo and conditioner onto the plane, the security looked at me like I am crazy.

I miss when I tell you how beautiful you looked, how sexy you are, how cute and pretty you are, with a big smile your eyes lit up as say "Really?"

I miss when I tell you how beautiful you looked, how sexy you are, how cute and pretty you are, you blush looks away and say "You lie, only you would think that."

I miss when I tell you how beautiful you looked, how sexy you are, how cute and pretty you are, you tilt up your head and proudly say "I know~" Even though you are kidding, but I always wished that you really know just how beautiful you are.

I miss when you try very hard to speak Mandarin in your cute sweet little voice to me. You always ask me "Wo3 De Yan3 Jing Zi4 Na3 Li3". Your Yan3 Jing is on your face, and your Yan Jing4 is on the desk :) You are a great learner. Thank you.

I miss when you send me little e-cards and letters. I kept them all. They are in a box somewhere at your place.

I miss going to a mall with you, just browsing the windows because there is little we wanted when we had each other. We would just hold hands, get close to each other. See if there is something that could make each other laugh.

I miss going to Glen Ivy spa with you. I get to see you in your swim suit all day. We get to unwind and talk about anything we want. Remember the first time we went? I had the pita with pine nuts and avocados in it and we shared a glass of Champagne. You got the worse sun burn when you came home. Fake tan~

I miss your beautiful sexy even skin tone, looks good enough to eat.

I miss how much you adored laxy, like he was really your child. You were so happy when we found little clothes for him in Long Beach and you kept asking me if they would fix our chubby little boy.

I miss how you comforted me when I am sad. You would buy me little gifts like Butterstick and the Bunnies just to make me feel better.

I miss those times when you say you are going to kick my butt.

I miss all the little excuses you’d make when you don’t want to shower, brush your teeth, or take off your contacts.

I miss you rubbing your eyes with your arm softly to put yourself to sleep. You look like a little kitten.

I miss when you sing, you’d close your eyes and squeeze out a powerful voice out of that little body of yours.

I miss when you randomly starts singing the "Namo Ami Buddha" song. It makes smile.

I miss when you ask me to sing to you before you sleep. I try really hard not to be too loud and my voice ends up all squeaky.

I miss that time when we went to watch Lion King, and I sang really loud on the way back. You looked at me funny.

I miss when we went to Gospel choir, and we sit next to each other and have fun with singing. We would sing all the back to your place together.

I miss when we went to the Black church in Santa Ana, we were the only two asian people in the place. How we were moved by their power.

I miss taking you to Hotpot, taking you to try new restaurants, taking you to Furduccis, the falafel king, to sushi rikki, to Nice time deli, the porridge place, even when we used to goto Oshine. You were always so excited.

I miss how we would be truly upset when our favorite restaurant closed down when we haven’t gone for a while.

I miss how you were willing to try new things. Sometimes even when you knew you wouldn’t like it, you’d do it just to make me happy.

I miss how you can have fun and be a little kid around me. How being with you makes me be myself. How relaxed and truthful we were. The trust of each other, makes me know you are the one.

I miss the total trust we shared. We trusted each other so much. We respected each other's privacy.

I miss when we talk about places we wanted to go together, Hawaii, Tahiti, Jamaica, Taiwan, Philippines, Alaska, New York, Vancouver, Yellow Stone, Las Vegas, Europe, New Zealand, Australia and San Diego. We would go out and get all the pamphlets and look at the price, planning out our dream vacation.

I miss when I drove for 2 day to Vancouver, you were there to open the door for me. And I forgot about how tired I was. You were so passionate. Don’t you know sil, I am willing to do anything for you.

I miss when you came to visit me. You brought me the bottle of raspberry Champagne. Your chubby cheeks blushed; I thought it looked like the color of happiness.

I miss giving you back rub and foot massages. You looked so relaxed. Like it’s not my hand touching you, but soft warm feather blanket covering your entire body. I miss how you fall asleep right after my massages. Even on that last day.

I love hearing your little moaning. See your face change with every little pain and pleasure. See the joy that came in your face. See the passion in your eyes. Feel no more space left between us. Immerse myself in you. Like that Mayday Rock song, you are the vast warm ocean, and I am just the drop of rain.

I miss taking bubble bath with you. For that I cleaned the bath tub as often as I could in Parkwest, so we could make bubble bikinis for each other.

I miss going to the arc with you. You always look so serious when you work out.

I miss picking you up at school, at work or at home.

I miss cooking with you. Looking up receipts and browsing the grocery store. Make meals that are cheap and fancy. Make meals that we both never had before. Then we enjoy it over a movie, mostly Bridget Jones. Saffron rice, Lemon Asparagus rice, Tofu mushroom in white sauce, Butterfly Shrimp.

I miss cooking for you, so when you get home all tired and cold, you have something warm to fill you up.

I miss you cooking for me. Pancakes, Sinigang Stew, and all the dishes I love.

I miss how you are willing to give up meat almost all the time for me.

I miss your poutie lips when you are mad at me.

I miss your forgiveness and your kindness. Something I have worn out.

I miss the biggest smile on your face that I could see 10 feet away when you are waiting for me at the airport.

I miss when you were happy.

I miss when you were happy because we were together.

I miss when love was easy.

I miss when love yields no pain.

I miss your tears in your eyes that day I left.

I miss when we went to the Grand Canyon. When your eyes were lit by the millions of stars we’ve never knew existed. Watching the shooting stars pass by every ten seconds. Baobei, my wish didn’t come true.

I miss when you say you miss me.
I miss having you to miss.
There is so much more…
And I'll have to forget them all, one day at a time.



實在很難忘記妳，
但我想我已了解妳再也不會回來了。
所以我要忘記妳。

讓我再想妳最後一次，
該從哪開始想呢

一醒來就看到妳的臉

一張開眼睛就互相注視好久好久

早上起來妳會唱，早安，早安，熬夜真好
可是我們完全沒熬夜

整天和妳待在床上看電視

清晨醒來，聊到中午才起床

妳翻到我身上，和我說妳愛我

妳為會一點小事笑得好開心

妳的笑，像妳的小名一樣明亮。讓我忘憂。讓我愛上妳

妳笑的時候，鼻樑上會出現四條小細紋。
像 What A wonderful day 那首歌。

妳棕色的頭髮，妳總是強調不是黑色！
為了要我常常摸妳的頭髮，妳開始天天梳頭。

妳的髮香。

我和妳說妳很美的時候，妳會笑著問我「真的嗎？」

我和妳說妳很美的時候，妳會臉紅，撇開臉說「你騙人，只有你會這樣想。」

我和妳說妳很美的時候，妳會抬高頭，開玩笑的說「我知道啊」
我希望妳真的知道。

妳為我學國語，每次都問我「我的眼睛在哪裡？」
眼睛在妳臉上，眼鏡在桌上。

妳寫給我的小卡片

和妳一起去泡溫泉。能整天看妳穿泳裝。
一面放鬆一面聊天。妳有均勻健康的膚色，
但是總是妳被曬傷。

妳像愛小孩一樣愛Laxy。我們找到它可以穿的衣服時，
妳又高興又擔心。直問不知道那個小胖子穿不穿得下。

我難過的時候妳安慰我。還會買小禮物讓我心情好起來。

妳說要好好教訓我的時候。

妳不想刷牙、脫隱型眼鏡、洗澡時編的藉口。

妳像小貓一樣愛用手臂磨擦眼睛，讓自己入睡。

妳唱歌時總是閤起眼睛，從妳小小的身體內，擠出有力的歌聲。

妳有時會突然唱起南無觀世音菩薩。讓我狂笑。

妳在睡前要我唱歌給妳聽。

一起上聖歌課。下課後，我們在深夜合唱著回家。

我們為心愛的餐館倒店而生氣。

妳願意嚐試新的東西，就算妳知道妳不會喜歡。

我們可以在對方面前恢復童心，
妳讓我感到自在，坦白。

我們間的互信，互相的尊重。

和妳一起計畫未來的旅行。夏威夷，大溪地，牙買加，台灣，
菲律賓，阿拉斯加，紐約，溫哥華，黃石，拉斯維加斯，歐洲，
紐西蘭，澳洲和聖地牙哥。我會去旅行社拿了一堆小冊子回來比價格。
打造夢中的行程。

我開到溫哥華，妳開門的那一刻，我忘卻了疲倦。
妳好熱情，難道妳不知道我願為妳做所有的事？

妳來舊金山看我時，帶來的那瓶紅莓香檳。
妳的臉頰泛紅，我以為是快樂的顏色。

幫妳按摩。看妳放鬆。有如觸碰妳的不是手，而是溫暖的羽毛。
妳總是馬上入睡，就連最後見面那晚。

我喜歡聽妳發出的聲音。看妳的表情隨著每個痛和愉悅改變。
看快樂浮在妳臉上。看熱情在妳眼裡。讓我們之間再無距離。
妳是海洋，我是雨滴落在妳身上。

一起去運動，妳運動時總是那麼專注。

去接妳

和妳一起煮飯，一起計畫要煮什麼菜。到超市閒逛。
煮又便宜又豐盛的大餐。煮我們從來沒吃過的菜。
一邊看著電影…通常都是Bridget Jones。
番紅花飯，檸檬蘆筍飯，法式香菇豆腐，香蒜焗蝦…

替妳準備熱湯，讓妳回家時能暖暖身。

妳特地煮我愛吃的菜

妳生氣時嘟起的嘴。

妳的寬恕與原諒。兩個我已耗盡的東西。

在機場裡遠遠的看到妳的笑容。

妳高興的時候。

妳為我們相聚而快樂的時候。

愛很簡單的時候。

愛沒有痛苦的時候。

我離去時妳臉頰上的淚。

我想我們去大峽谷的時候，當妳的眼被上萬顆我們從不知存在的星星點亮時，
看著流星每十秒劃過一次天際。寶貝，我的願望沒實現。

我想妳說想我的時候，
我想能想妳的時候，
還有太多太多，
我會將這些全部忘記，
每天忘一次。

Letter in Songs

1. Van Morrison - Brown Eyed Girl (3:03)
2. Brian McKnight - My Kind Of Girl (3:53)
3. Craig David - Once In A Life Time (3:30)
4. Musiq - Don't Change (5:16)
5. Boyz II Men - I'll Make Love to You (3:56)
6. Justin Timberlake - Leaving On A Jet Plane (5:02)
7. Babyface - Two Occasions (5:57)
8. We we - 聽不到你 (4:03)
9. Gabrielle - Out of Reach (3:15)
10. Brian Mcknight - Shoulda Woulda Coulda (4:09)
11. Mya - Free (5:21)
12. Boyz II Men - On Bended Knee (5:30)
13. Boyz II Men - Water Runs Dry (3:22)
14. Boyz II Men - Doin Just Fine (5:31)
15. Boyz II Men - End of the Road (5:50)
16. Eve 6 - Here's To The Night (4:09)
17. Tony Rich Project - Nobody Knows (5:06)

You were so cold.

I have never seen you like this.Not even when you were mad at me.

In your eyes I could tell you don't want to give a crap about me.Not when I looked at you, not when I wanted to touch you, not when I talked to you, not even when I cried.

Why are you doing this to me?I didn't understand. Why would you do this to me?All I wanted is to see you and understand the reason behind your leaving.You said in your e-mail that you wanted me to come. You even gave me the date.I felt so hurt…

Then it hit me. The time you said you were out with groups and friends, you sounded like you are hiding something. I thought you don't want your date to find out about me, but maybe it’s the other way around.

So I asked you with a smile at the dinner table "Tell me the names of your group, I want to know." In fact, I knew you only went out with one person.I was so sneaky. I hate myself when I am like that.

You got mad at my inquiry. Like Chandler mad at Joey saying he didn't watch the tape. I knew then for sure, someone is in your heart. I didn’t want to bring it up that night because the thought of you have already replaced me just hurts too much.

But I asked the next morning anyway. "Please tell me if there is some body else?"You said "The truth? Yes there is. It's Sebastian. But he is just a friend."

When I gave you flowers and wanted to show I care. I said something because I thought he was just your friend. This time you were angry. You almost wanted to yell but you reserved to a cold tone "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM!" I was so shocked, by how mean you are to me, and ashamed at the same time. Then I realized that you like him a lot more than I thought.

I remember the time when we moved in Amherst and my mom came over.One day she said that you are not a good girlfriend. There is hair all over the bathroom, and it's all your hair and you didn't even help to clean it up. Mom said "If you let her walk all over you, this relationship is not going to last."

I felt so hurt that my mom attacked the person I cared about so much. I thought she was mean and unjust, I still think those comments were unjust. I defended you and I fought with her. Finally I said, in the exact tone as you, "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HER!" My mom didn't talk to me much after that. That day on, she didn't say one bad thing about you. Now thinking back, she must have felt exactly how I felt. She called me today at my office, I was so ashamed, I almost cried with two people in my office.

Saturday night, right before we are going to sleep. He called you. I wanted to give you space, don't want you get out of your own room to talk, so I went down stairs pretended that I don't mind. I don't know if you did it on purpose, but you seemed to have forgotten about that I was there. I hate that day. Like you said, it was awkward as ass. Here you are, can't wait to see what it will be like to be in his arms, and I was there ruined the first weekend you could meet after you came back from Canada. It was so cold down stairs. So cold, even your laughter is so distant and surreal. I regret asking you "If he was only a friend, then what am I?" I hate myself when I do that.

When I went to Irvine, I thought you would understand my pain, show me some mercy. I'll gain enough courage from your gentle words I can just suck it up and let you go. You lied to me. You hate lying. I was the one who taught you to lie. Now I tasted my own bitter fruit. Baobei, don't lie anymore please. I am sorry I put you in a situation to lie before, but I was wrong. Just tell the truth like you always have. That's the girl I loved. Your sense of right and wrong is so vivid, that you would not do anything to break your belief, not even if it will make me happy. Be that girl again. Leave the lies and deceit to me. I have wronged you. I ask for forgiveness.

Sunday, we went out for the walk. You made no attempt or just a really lousy one to hide how tired and bored you are with me. I pried and I pried into your secret garden, where you keep everything sweet and beautiful and I wouldn't let you go. The despised look in your eyes almost saying why aren't you gone yet? Out of all this, I am glad you told me why you did this. How hurt you were by me just holding on to you as a life saving cushion, instead of letting the both of us live our lives. You resented me for that. You resented me so much you didn't want to give me anymore chances. You didn't even wish to give me an ultimatum, because you don't want me back in your life. I love you so much, and I didn't know that. I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt you but you resented me. My own baby girl resented me. I am such an idiot! Idiot! IDIOT!!! I lost the cutest, the most thoughtful, loving, most beautiful girl, and the best friend I have ever had, to be replaced because I was such a coward. Such an idiot…… I am angry at myself, I hate myself. I am the biggest coward who lost one girl that he thought was the love of his life. Who would be stupid enough lose a girl like you? I am so stupid. It was all my fault.
I stopped blaming you for lying to me. I stopped feeling your quick replacement was a betrayal. I just want you to forgive me for hurting you. I'll never do that again, but it's not like I have the chance. Those feelings come back some times. I would think how could you do this to me! Why did you leave me? Then I'll remember the pain and anger on your face when you said "For what? To let you back in my life?" And I would start to weep for a little behind the steering wheels.

That night I guess the music touched you. You showed me you cared. Something you only did before early in the morning when you were too sleepy and innocent to keep your guard. We parted in tears. Not exactly the way I wanted it. But the forgiveness is all the same.

=============================================================

R,

You're right. I do want to see you. I didn't want to do it through ane-mail, but I wasn't sure if you wanted to go all the way here just tohear me say those words to you. I know that if I see that sad face ofyours that I wouldn't be able to go through with it and that wouldn't begood for either of us. Please come visit me. I won't mind you stayingover at my place. I'm so sorry.

D

==============================================================

R,

The weekend of the 23rd is best for me. if you want to stay at a hotel or something, let me pay for it since you are paying for your flight over here.

I just found out that it’s going to take 19 days to repair my car. I’m bummed, but what can I do. Things happen. It’ll be nice to get it back again, though.

Take care of yourself,D

================================================================

p.s. I just want to know one more thing. When you sent me the mail to break up with me on January the 5th, did you already wanted to be with Sebastian?
p.p.s I hope you never see this post.

Hi baobei,

Thank you for the great weekend.

Like I said in previous un-mailed letter, "maybe you will show me this weekend" and you did. I am happy that I went back.

I think we both needed each others understanding and forgiveness. We care about each other so much. I can't imagine how much regret we will have if we never truly understood what happened.

When I think back about this relationship, I want to remember those that were sweet and learn from those that were bitter.

You didn't let me kiss you right before I left, from that I could tell just how hurt you were. I wonder if I will ever feel those warm soft lips of yours. More importantly, I found out why you left, and you found out why I couldn't let go.

When we were listening to my "Letter in Songs", you cried on the WEWE song. We were both in tears and you came into my arms. I think at that moment, we both forgave each other. We knew just how much we treasured this relationship, how much we cherished each other and how confused, hurt and helpless we feel.

You asked me "What happened?" I really don't know… I guess we grew apart. You out grew me in this eight month. Goomie is a great sister, she took care of you. I am glad that she showed you the way to be happy again. I want you to be happy.

I am still sad. I miss you. I love you. I wish there is a time machine that can take us back to when our love was pure. The time when we could be happy just lying in the bed watching food network with me hugging you from behind was enough to make us happy. When I felt like nothing could hurt us. Maybe I'll have that again in the future.

But for now I want to be your friend. Please don't think I can't be your friend just because I say I love you. Best friends love each other right? When you called me tonight after I landed, I almost cried. You have not called me since I got back. I have been waiting for so long. I just want to be in your life, doesn't matter if I am your boyfriend or just a friend.

I have decided that I want you to see this website. There is not much yet. But everything I post on here will be the truth from my heart. Things I want you to know. Things I wish I could say. And I don't want them to be sandwiched between junkmail and mails from your admirers.

You can come visit this site when you don't want to call me but you want to find out how I am doing. I'll translate the Chinese posts in English soon. I'll also post some lyrics on here, lyrics that have a different meaning now.

Hopefully I'll buy a digital camera, so I can put some pictures on here as well.

Thank you again,

Ur Rex.

p.s. You are more beautiful everyday.
p.p.s my eyes are swollen like two red balloons. Thank god it's from crying and not because they are bummed.
p.p.p.s I'll get better at being your friend.

Hi sil,

Is it wrong I still miss you? Is it wrong when I thought of you, I still feel a warm sweet feeling?
The songs that I didn't used to notice suddenly all have a different meaning.

I rather they were still just background noises when I am looking down your eyes.

I am looking forward to this friday's trip. Yet I am also scared.

What am I going to do when I walk out the airport? Am I supposed to hug you? Kiss you?Are you going to push me away?

Why am I even going there? You told me that you don't want me to go.

I said I have somethings to give you and pick up a few things.To tell you the truth, I just wanted to see you.

I wanted to see if a miracle would happen, that perhaps you would tell me you want me back in your life.

The December 5th visit was just too sweet. When I left, I was so sure that we loved each other deeply. I was so sure that you were the one I want to spend my life with. I was so sure I won't lose you. To have you tell me out of the blue two weeks later that you don't feel the same about me any more, I just don't want to accept it, I just couldn't.

I missed you so much.

I miss being able to tell you anything. Including how I feel about you.I miss being there for you when you are sad or lonely, and I miss you being there for me.

Now we've broken up, I feel too proud to admit how I feel. I know I don't hide it well anyway.You probably don't really want to hear about how I feel.

You said call you anytime you want. If that's the case I would just call you all the time like before.Perhaps that was just one of those things you say to make me feel better.... Like "I'll wait for you".

I don't know what would make me stop loving you. Maybe you would show me this weekend.

I miss you. The bitter sweet thought that never goes away.

your friend Rex

>From: "MB"
>To:
>Subject: hello
>Date: Sun, 18 Jan 2004 08:36:45 -0800
>
>r,
>
>well, right now, goomie went to her half marathon training. she'll
>be gone for about an hour, so i'm checking my mail. oh, you played
>with your boss's dogs again? that must have been fun. i saw the
>cutest husky at the park one day. it was a little too playful,
>though. it kept trying to run away from its owner. hehe! that
>would be nice if you could get a dog. i definitely don't have space
>for one either.
>
>oh, you went to visit albert? that's good. so, he has a new
>annoying roomie? that's good that you moved out then. are chinese
>girls that bad?
>
>i'm looking forward to seeing you, too. do you have anything you
>want to do when you are here? i need to find out where i can rent a
>car so we can get places when you are here. i'll call the insurance
>place and the auto repair shop to find out when i can get my car
>back. i'll be happy to see you. i'm sorry that things have to be
>different now. i miss you, too!
>
>see you soon,
>d

Hi sil,

I saw little Day and little Rex hanging on the rear view mirror. I remember that day when you decided we would make a few of these little poofs, because you liked the one your sister make.
We got into my car that one warm autum day and went to Michaels and bought a whole bag of these little colored cotton balls. A whole bag of eyes which you probably still have somewhere in your room. We looked around for little feet for an hour, finally we gave up.

When we got home, all we did was just pasting the eyes onto the cotton balls, and they had personality. One looked like a gold fish, the other like a shy little girl. You decided to call that yellow shy poof Little Day, and one which I gave messed up eyes Little Rex.

You put a string on them so we can hang them over my rear view mirror like those tacky fuzzy dices. For then on, everytime we go out, we could see Little Day and Little Rex kissing each other with every bump on the road.

I wish that is us right now. Seperated by distance, linked by an invisible string of love. No matter how bumppy the ride of life is, we could held on to each other by the love that we shared and come back to each other.

But it didn't turn out like that.

Now Little Day is still mad at Little Rex when he is up too high. They are still at each others side when all becomes still. Their string are holding strong but the string shared by the real Day and Rex have broken. So we each fell down to the ground.

One to the driver side, and one to the passenger side.

your friend Rex

我尋求成長離開了妳，
如今妳已成熟而離開了我。

何時我的腳步落妳之後，
我還想不通。

是我忘記，
春風中再美的花朵，
缺乏水的灌溉也會凋謝。

自由是水，
妳是不願枯萎的石蓮。