「We will be better off if we are just friends,
don't you think？」
Don't You Think 也許不是問句，
Don't You Think.... Don't you DARE to think
When I heard the phrase again, I wasn’t surprised.
Because from the first time we sat in a corner cafe,
looking out the window, enjoying the choreography of the snow flakes,
I knew sooner or later she would say this to me.
I just have been waiting for that day to come, for that familiar phrase to visit.
I thought I was fully prepared, because this time I can’t want to shed a tear.
When my first love embraced me from the back,
lied her head on my shoulder, she was softly crying, and said to me
“We will still be good friends”.
I nodded my head. Just as long as I get to spend time with you, and talk to you,
even just get to look at you, like enjoying a lotus blossom, I would be satisfied..... So I thought.
Since that night, after the dark sky slowly devoured the purple sunset,
You began your lesson to me on what “friends” mean.
“Friend” to you, is someone who wouldn’t bother you.
The more I don’t disturb your life, the better a friend I am.
Of course, when you needed help, a friend would do anything for you.
But after words, that doesn’t mean you owed me anything.
I am your friend, these are my duties.
I am stubborn, I refuse to believe that is what you meant by being friends.
I often call you, ask you out for a walk.
I thought not being stingy with my care for you, is being your friend.
But in your coldness, your eyes showed frustration.
When I sometimes forgot to hide my true feelings in my eyes, you wouldn’t hesitate to show your resentment.
Drop by drop drowning my care,
Bit by bit cutting my only heart to pieces.
Until that day when I asked you to go to the exhibit,
The unwilling tone in your voice opened up another wound.
You came late, from behind the icy lenses,
I saw you holding on to someone else.
“What I meant by being your friend, means I don’t want to see you again!”
In that cold winter day, the despise in your voice, lit a flame to the broken pieces of my heart.
Burning them to ashes, until I can’t bleed one more drop of blood.
Ha, don’t blame me for being down, don’t blame me for being depressed.
I have used all my energy trying to mend my heart,
And wait for the next abuse.
You once healed my wound,
I thought you knew how much that phrase would hurt me.
But you just used paraphrased and told me the same lie.
“We will be better off if we are just friends,
don't you think?”
“Don't you think” maybe wasn’t a question,
because you didn’t lift your beautiful tone at the end of the phrase.
Rather it was an order. “Don’t you think about what I mean, Just do as I say.”
I don’t know if I should thank you for mending the wound on my heart.
Or blame you for tearing that would even bigger on purpose when you left.
Don't You Think.... Don't you DARE to think.
There are too many things in life, after understanding it, only gets you more lost in your directions, let loneness once again imprisons me.
That’s why this time I am truly prepared.
I will not fall in to that dazzling lie.
I will not let those memories in the past profess.
When she remorsefully said
“We will still be friends right?”
I just smiled at her, and didn’t answer the question. I only said
When I saw this short story under my folder, I was shocked. I remember writing it, but I don’t remember why. Every word hits me so hard, as if I left a warning to myself from the past. Looking at the file properties I found out I wrote this on November eighteenth, 1998. Then suddenly I remember why I wrote this.
It was that time freshman year when you told me you just wanted to be friends.
I was crushed.
I went home, feeling really bummed, so I did what I used to do to let steam off. Write.
I exaggerated a little bit, and made up some details. I just wanted to say how I feel.
I don’t think I truly understood what I was writing about.
Was I more mature 5 years ago to have the courage to just say “I understand”?
I guess not, because afterwards I still tried my best getting close to you. And eventually you returned my feelings. That was all miracle for me.
This time around, I really loved you. I truly understood those feelings I described 5 years ago. This time, you meant it when you said you just want to be friends.
I won’t get to go visit you. I won’t get to see you. I won’t get to talk to you much for that matter.
There are things I can not control. It feels like I knew they were on their way. Yet I am just as helpless when they happen.
To be honest with you, I still don’t know how you could do it.
Fell in love so soon, as if you’ve been waiting for it.
I talked to William a few days ago. His relationship ended 6 month ago.
Still he says he doesn’t want to look for someone yet, because he feels like he couldn’t be fair to her.
That’s exactly how I feel. Not like I can get a girl, but even if I could, I won’t be able to be fair to her.
I want to be your friend. I hope you will treat me like one soon. It’s funny how you always drop me when someone else is calling you, even when we were together. Now I am your friend, do I get to be let in now? Or I’ll always be the one that gets dropped off, just because I am me?