在博物館挑高的玻璃走廊下，專注的為佛像的袈裟點上金色的紋路。
面對眾人圍觀，他的手沒有絲毫晃動。
班長趁他休息的時候詢問他的故事。
這名西藏難民，在中國的脅迫下，
家人不得已，讓他穿過了雪山逃難。

小小的他像許多流亡西藏外的人一樣，出家成了喇嘛。
現在雖然還俗，卻仍把生命奉獻給佛教。
他用藏人特有的自在語氣說：還俗是為了學苦。

佛書上講了很多苦，愛戀的苦，家人的苦，生活的苦，
但還是出家人的時候，他對這些苦都沒有深刻的認識。
每當他扺達了一個地方，就會有信眾搶著來接機。
在他面前信眾都是恭敬又謙卑。笑容滿面語氣溫和的對待。

可是當他是以在家人的身份出現時，
他看到了人性真實的一面。
找人接送，大家都說很忙，請他自己想辨法。言語也不再恭敬。
似乎脫下了一件衣服，換了一個髮型，他就不再是原來的他了。

唯有了解了苦，才讓他懂得感恩，也才能產生出離心。
他說從前有人給他一千塊，他也只是收下，說下次再見。
而現在有人給了他二十五毛錢，他會誠真的道謝。

其實，做為一個在印度，或尼泊爾的西藏僧侶，
生活環境簡陋，醫療缺乏。
每次離開寺院前往國外弘法，還沒坐上飛機前，
就要在崎嶇的山路上坐十七個小時的公車。
生活是多麼的苦？

其實從小就失去家人，甚至失去國家，
是多麼的苦？

在冰天雪地中，僅以單薄的衣物，和一雙簡陋的鞋，
翻山越嶺的逃難，又是多麼的苦？

問他後不後悔還俗。
他想了想，笑著說：會。可是這樣生命也很美妙。

這樣豁達的生活觀，讓人難不審視自己。

無上甚深微妙法
百千萬劫難遭遇
我今見聞得受持
願解如來真實義

願此殊勝功德
迴向法界有情
盡除一切罪障
共成無上菩提

每次上完課都 必須迴向，
也許我不是很相信迴向能幫助意念中的人，
但是每次我一定迴向給三個人。
爸爸，媽媽，和妳。

我祈求你們身體健康，心靈喜樂。
最近，妳似乎比較快樂了。
但是看我爸媽常常被我氣個半死，
又讓我思考是否和迴向毫無關係。

不知道為什麼每次下完課，
仍想打電話給妳，聽聽妳的聲音。
不過我已經越來越能控制。
讓妳的名字我播出名單中慢慢退出。
我怕打攪到妳的生活。
怕打擾妳讀書，和朋友在一起，
甚至怕打擾妳打電動，呵
就回到以前吧。

妳最近真的比較快樂

上課的時候上到一段經文
「善知識敦巴云：『下者雖與上者共住，僅成中等；上者若與下者共住，不待劬勞，而成下趣。』」

一位師兄就問說，如果上者都不願和下者共住，比我好的人都不願意來和我親近，那我不就沒救了嗎？

大家笑完了之後，來護持的師兄就說：
「小時候讀書時有一班，二班，和放牛班。一班是書讀得比較好的學生才能讀。我是一班的，但是我很喜歡和二班的人在一起。
我媽很擔心，就說：『你不要和成績比較差的人混在一起，應該去找成績比你好的人做朋友』
我那時候很不服氣就說：『如果大家都只想和成績比較好的人做朋友，那成績比我好的人怎麼會想當我的朋友？』
那時候講這種話有種我不入地獄誰入地獄的感覺，好像是我在幫助那些二班的朋友。但現在回想起來，其實只是和一班的同學在一起比較有壓力。和二班的同學在一起，看他們讀書讀個半個小時就出去休息，聊天，覺得比較輕鬆。並不是真的想幫他們，而只是一種藉口。當然，後來成績也退步了。
所以我想經文上說的並不是能力的上下分別，而是內心是想要向上努力還是向下沉淪。如果內心想要向上，就算能力很差，也會有能力強的人願意和他們親近。」

我覺得這段話很有道理。與妳共勉之。

陳金鋒打出了大聯盟首安，讓我想起他說的一句話：「一直去想錯失了機會，不努力準備好，下次機會來了也捉不住。」

我也這樣和妳講。只是我不是陳金鋒，沒有他帥，沒有他認真，也沒有他灑脫。

明日報妳雖然不常更新，
但我還是常常去看。
儘量的幫妳按鼓勵和推薦。

一天只能一次的推薦，
如果，妳有發現，
少於七個推薦是我有天沒有辦法上線。
七個推薦是我掛念著妳。
超過七個，是我在公司也掛念著妳。
六次是我在夢中掛念妳。

看著妳的心情記事，
我常常在想，什麼樣的人能夠這樣被愛，又為什麼選擇離開。
反覆想像那種感覺，卻很難理解。

也許是我從未準備好。
所以無緣理解。

啊，又在抓著失去的不放了....

我討厭低潮時候的自己。人總是這樣，憂鬱久了，連為什麼不快樂都已忘卻，只是變成了一種習慣。早上起床就戴上臭臉，似乎和刷牙洗臉一樣的順理成章。

我喜歡按時去划龍舟，曬得比菲律賓人還黑。喜歡背著相機到山裡，海邊拍照。喜歡開著車大聲唱歌，找尋我沒去過的地方。找朋友一起看球。

可是我把時間都花在憂鬱上。什麼都不想面對，什麼也不想做。朋友也不想見。最近和這樣的自己很熟。這個我早晚黏著，煩到想趕出家門，或是自己離家出走。但是不論我去到哪，我還是跟著我。

Wouldn't it be nice if we were younger?
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long.
And wouldn't it be nice to live together?
In the kind of world where we belong.

You know its gonna make it that much better,
When we can say goodnight and stay together.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new.
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through.

Happy times together we'd been spending.
I wish that time with you was neverending.
Oh Wouldn't it be nice?

提出一時讓人難以反駁的想法，
大家就會虛偽的稱呼這個人是天才。

過了不久找到了反例，
眾人又會咒罵這個人是白痴。

不同意嗎？那你一定覺得這句話很白痴吧，天才？

"I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" - My Chemical RomanceWell if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.
I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.
For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took,
Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?
(I'm not okay)
I told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means
(I'm not okay)
To be a joke and look, another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook for the last time take a good hard look!

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out

Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
You said you read me like a book, but the pages are all torn and frayed

I'm okay
I'm okay!
I'm okay, now
(I'm okay, now)

But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I mean this, I'm okay!
(Trust Me)

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Well, I'm not okay
I'm not o-fucking-kay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay

(Okay)

即說咒曰趕羚踏馬的枝擺羊三遍

朋友們問，你還好嗎？
我除了笑，什麼也不說。

我當然還好，只不過是
回家時，
把租片放進了冷凍庫。
冰淇淋丟入了垃圾桶，
紙屑挖到碗裡，
看著 no disc 的畫面坐了半個小時。

我就是這樣，每個環節都錯了。

I was here
You were there
Guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you
I need some love to rain on me

我不希望妳覺得和我聊天是一個妳應付的責任。
我盼望妳是真心想和我分享妳一天的心情，讓我為妳分擔一些心事。
因為這樣會讓我知道妳希望我在妳的生命中。

如果妳不想要我扮演這個角色，請讓我明白。

還是，我已經該明白了？

常常接到我電話的人都會問我：為什麼你每次都在開車的時候打電話給我？

我是獨子，其實從小並不怕孤獨，因為就是孤獨也不代表就會寂寞。但是每當看到右手邊空盪的座位，總會覺得這裡就該坐著另一個人。而寂寞就偷偷的與我並駕齊驅。

所以，我在車上的時候，往往不想讓自己空下來。我要開車，要吃東西，要大聲嘶吼，要找個人掩蓋過地面不願放開輪子的聲音。

慶幸的是我一回到家，就有很多事情可以讓自己不去點人頭。

那麼，在家裡還播出的電話，又是怎樣的寂寞呢？

有時候我會懷疑我是不是又變成了高中那個播不通就想一播再播，播到有人接為止的呆瓜，我討厭那樣的自己。

只有一個人能讓我這樣掛念。……缺了這個人在身邊，似乎任何時刻都變寂寞了。

該說什麼呢？妳說的話，我啞口無言。如果可以，我想把人生全部重來，媽在去德國之前問我要不要去加拿大的時候，我會記得說：「好，我一個人去加拿大。」而不是：「爸媽在的地方才是家。」如果當時這樣講了，可否換一個和妳牽手的機會？或是兩個人煮飯，一起看電影的機會呢？

妳去洗澡後，我在更衣室裡被黑色的角落虜去。前任打電話給我，問我為什麼一整天都不接她的電話。她說她今天工作忙，心情很不好，找我都找不到。聽到我回話後，從我語氣中發現我的心情比她更不好。哈。

在追問之下我說出語氣中的秘密。有個我超過喜歡的女孩，和我說如果月亮重新她的週期前見不到我，那麼一切就當沒發生過。我前任呆了一下，冷冷的說：這個你不是早就知道了，也和我說過了嗎？為什麼要難過？

我笑了。是啊，我早就知道是這樣的。只是，親耳聽到這些字句乘著妳可愛的聲音而來，對我的希望殖民，就是那麼的難接受吧。

So it is, just as it should be.

在整理房間的時候，不小心翻到一張舊照片。
妳曾經嘟著嘴說這張照片看起來好怪，
但我若不覺得畫面中睡著的妳很美，
也就不會拍下這張相片了，不是嗎？

試著把妳的神情捕捉在筆與紙接觸的空間裡，
好似有了妳的神韻，但是又少了妳的心。
碳與碳之間流逝的是橡擦也挽不回的純真。
就連慌忙抓來的格子也困不住。

祝我生日快樂
作詞：鄭中庸　作曲：周杰倫　編曲：林邁

我知道傷心不能改變什麼，
那麼　讓我誠實一點。

誠實　難免有不能控制的宣洩，
只有關上了門　不必理誰。

一個人坐在空蕩包廂裡面，
手機　讓它休息一夜。

難　像切歌切掉回憶的畫面，
眼淚不能流過十二點。

生日快樂　我對自己說。
蠟燭點了　寂寞亮了。

生日快樂　淚也融了。
我要謝謝你給的、你拿走的一切。

還愛你　帶一點恨
還要時間　才能平衡。

熱戀傷痕，幻滅重生，
祝我生日快樂。

======================================

謝謝給我鼓勵的朋友們，送我禮物的尚雍，
打長途電話唱生日快樂給我聽的豬桃姊妹。
和記得說聲生日快樂的朋友們。

當然還有生日前後天天在電話裡向我傳佛音的父母。
謝謝，我……我真的心領了。

生日那天我還是很不爭氣的跑去了 Serramonte Center，
看她設計鯉魚池。

帶她上下班的時候她會和我抱怨工作上的不順，
我和她說，可是妳設計出來後，一定很美的。
她很可憐的說……可是魚好可怕。

拿著大大的相機在Mall中央照相，
圍繞在唐風池塘旁恬靜的人群不禁投來狐疑眼光。
甚至警衛也來和我「聊天」。

收起相機準備離去時，靜了一個下午的手機響了起來。
她趁男朋友解手時打來的。
又和男友吵架了，甚至想飛來找我。
對她一閃而過的念頭沒有成真，
居然有如釋重負的感覺。

「雖然我再關心妳，放不開妳，也請妳不要來打亂我好不容易拼裝出來的空間。
如果這個寂寞的帳棚倒了，我們會同時受傷的。」

怕魚的女孩，看到照片了嗎？
魚再可怕，妳設計的池塘還是一樣美吧？

Wow, now this takes courage.

Day, go check this guy out!
What William Hung's performance on American Idol.
He is called the Chinese Ricky Martin and I'll have to agree.

http://www.williamhung.net/

There is video clips of his brilient performance.

You should be proud of your fellow Asian civil engineer!

Anytime - Brian McKnight

I can't remember why we fell apart
From something that was so meant to be, yeah
Forever was the promise in our hearts
Now, more and more I wonder where you are

Do I ever cross your mind, anytime
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me
Do I ever cross your mind anytime
I miss you

Still have your picture in a frame
Hear your footsteps down the hall
I swear I hear your voice, driving me insane
How I wish that you would call
To say

Do I ever cross your mind, anytime
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me
Do I ever cross your mind anytime
I miss you

I miss you

(No more) loneliness and heartache
(No more) crying myself to sleep
(Don't want no more) wondering about tomorrow
Won't you come back to me
Come back to me, oh

Do I ever cross your mind, anytime
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me
Do I ever cross your mind anytime
I miss you

I miss you

=========================================================================

Did you ever wear the necklace that you loved so much again?
Did you ever wear the jacket I bought you?
Do you like it? You kept saying it's been windy, did it help you keep warm?

I miss you...

Hi baobei,

I was looking up running clubs around here and the closest running club is 30 minute away without traffic and there is always traffic. Then I realized, you are in a great place right now. I mean you live 5 minutes away from work. You live in the best part of Irvine, right next to the lake, in the center of all the activities. You live in Irvine, the nicest place I have ever lived in, and I lived in quite a few places in my life, none compare to Irvine. You are only one hour away from your parents’ home. You are only 30 minutes away from dragon boat practice. Last be not least, you are only 40 minutes away from the person you want to spend time with. Far enough so you don’t see each other everyday, but close enough to see each other anytime you want to. Granted you might feel like you don’t make enough money to really do what you want. But once you pay off your loan and your car, you have lots of free money to manage.

I know your job is tough and you are tired of it. I do think you should start looking for what you want to do in the future. Maybe even apply for some interviews and get some idea of what’s out there. But just hang on for one more year and you will get your license. Then the avenue of choice will open up to you. So just hang on a little longer, and everything will work out. I hope you get to like your job again, at least not let it bring you down so much, because you do have a great life. I am glad for you.

As for me, my boss’s wife gave me a bottle of Caladryl. I have to say it doesn’t really help. But the patches are getting less intense. I guess that’s always good.

Comedy network is coming out with a show to make fun of the Queer Eyes for the Straight Guy, called “Straight Plans for the Gay Man”. Hahaha. It’s about the Flab Four teaching gay man what it means to be straight. I haven’t seen it, but sure sounds pretty funny.

By the way, check your mail on Friday.

I miss you. Life is not the same without you.

Urs Rex

By the way, are you going to run in the wine country 5k?
By the way, what are your plans for your 3 day v-day weekend?

Day,

There is no right or wrong about how your feelings for me changed.
Of course that breaks my heart, but besides hoping to get you back, there are no blaming or pointing fingers.

You don't need to feel selfish or anything.
If Sebastian makes you happier than when you are with me, there's nothing I can do about it.
If seeing him during the weekends is more exhilarating than seeing me on the weekends, there nothing I can do about it.
If talking to him is more meaningful than talking to me, if you rather confide in him than confide in me,
I have failed at some point, and I didn't make you happy. I'll just have to accept that.
There is no anger towards you. Though there are lots of it towards myself.

I don't want you staying with me because you pity me.
I want the Day who wanted to stay with me because she loves me and wants to experience life with me.
Like how I want to experience life with her.
You don't need to feel sorry for me or pity me now either.
All I wanted is that you care about me, because you are my best friend.

I am upset, however, with the way you dealt with our relationship in the end.
At some point, when we were still together, you felt like you rather not talk to me about how you feel.
When you just left me and don't want to talk to me at all.
I felt I was a piece of an old toy, and you just want to shove me away and have nothing to do with it.
It is really unfair. I don’t deserve this. I care about you so much.

I don't want you to feel guilty when you think of me.
That is why you shouldn't just push me away or hide from me.
I don't want to be just one of your "acquaintances". I want to be your friend.
Someone you want to talk to. Someone you have fun hanging out with.
Someone you call up and ask how they are doing.
When you ever come by the Bay Area, you would want to drop by and visit me.
Or call me up one day and ask me to come down because you want to see me.

I am glad you are willing to write to me now.
Maybe we should have done this even when we were still together.
But it's not too late to start the healing process, right? ^_^~

I don't want to affect your mood when you are working, so I won't send you this through e-mail.
You can just read this on your own time in your cozy room.

For now, I wish you have a great morning and that work will get better for you.
Hope you have no guilt and no worries when you are with the one you love.
please know if you ever need me, I'll be there for you.

I'll miss you,

Yours,
Rex

p.s. I'll e-mail you my address later.
p.p.s. This girl looks like you in your comfee spot.






>Subject: hi
>Date: Thu, 12 Feb 2004 07:41:31
>
>R,
>
>I read your message board. I will start writing to you more. It is
>unfair that you share your emotions and you always get left out in the
>cold with mine. I don't have much time right now, but I wanted to let
>you know that I still think about you from time to time. I worry about
>whether you are getting better. I feel bad that I left you alone in san
>jose. I have a feeling of guilt. I felt like I was being selfish. Was
>I being selfish? Was I wrong to do what I did? To me, it doesn't feel
>wrong, but when I think of you, I feel bad. I think of how unfair it
>was to you. I just don't know sometimes. In a way, I wish that you
>were angry with me because I would understand why you were mad at me.
>but you don't seem mad at me and I just don't know how to deal with
>that. I want you to be part of my life, but there are things I need to
>sort out right now and I just don't know where you fit in. I hope this
>is fine for now.
>
>D
>
>p.s. I bought you a present, perhaps you can call it a x-mas,
>valentine's, birthday gift. I wanted to send it to you with some of
>your mail. What is your address again? If you would rather I didn't
>send you the stuff, just let me know.

I dreamt about you again.

I went to your place, but it looked like a new place.
I think you are the only one living there.

There are 3 or 4 rooms, with a hall way surrounding the living room.
Sun is setting and bright orange light is pouring in through the windows.

I came in looking for you, but I couldn't find you.
And I saw your green backpack laying at the end of the hall way,
So I figured you are home.

I went sat down on the lover chair then you came out.
When you saw me, you gave me a smile and asked how I was doing.
You walked towards me and sat next to me in the lover chair.

You looked beautiful. With your hair down to your shoulders and wearing a light sweather.
You said "Rexy, I want to talk to you about your travel."
Then you took your hand and played with my hair.

I didn't understand what travel you were talking about,
but for some reason I felt so sad, and I broke down in tears.
You are so nice to me. You haven't been for a while.
Not even in my dreams.

You put your hands over me. I said "I don't want to go, I want to stay here with you."

You didn't say anything. You just smiled and we hugged for the longest time just feeling being next to each other.

Then I woke up...



Day, can you find sometime to write me an e-mail about how you've been feeling?
From the time that your feelings changed.
I know it's hard to talk on the phone because we let our emotions get in the way.
But if you write it down, you can tell a more complete story.

I want to know how you are doing.
Let's start our communications by writing to me, please? ^_^~

Sil,

The Day Patches won't go away!

I put on lotion but it didn't help at all!
I used the anti-itch ones too.

Now it feels like it's even growing on my right eye *_*
It itch and hurt so much /_\

Make it stop day~
I wish you were here to tell me it's going to be ok.

Hopefully it will go away before i sleep.

I cooked couscous today. Haven't had it for a while.

Do you have any plans for the Valentaine's day yet?