竹板凳的漁瘟

There is a saying, if you buy shoes for your boyfriend or girlfriend that means you want to end the relationship, becasue you want them to go away.

It's just funny that happens to be the last thing we bought for each other.

Today I was trying to put one of our 800 pounds rack in the the shipping crate. The crate was badly designed, and to get the damn thing to close, the metal part of the crate slamed in to my right middle finger. Blood came out right a way and I have a pretty deep cut on it. I think it's not just good things that comes in pairs.

So right now I have a bandage soak through with blood on my right hand, and day patches that refuses to quit everywhere else.

I am going to buy some anti-itch lotion that I bought for my mom, so maybe I can actually get some sleep. That is if I am lucky to be dreamless.

Eventhough I take what I said back, I think if you want your relationship with Sebastian to work well, you shouldn't keep bugging him about your ex-boy friend. Just be yourself and focus your attension to him. I hope everything works out.

Last week I thought we had fun on our phone calls. I thought our communications is getting better, but it would seem like that was just me. I don't know what made you decide you don't want to talk to me anymore, but it's unlikely you would share the reason with me.

I guess from now on, I won't see you, hear from you, our even get your e-mails. I won't bug you besides through writing on this board. Which you don't have to visit if you choose not to.

There's no doubt now what you want from me. Just leave you alone. I don't see how you will ask me to be your friend in the future. Still I wish for that day to come. You have control for everything since the breakup, all I can do is wait. I hope you will remember the promise.

So that's it. I got the boot and now I'll just get out of your way.

I'll miss you. Hope you sometimes think of me.

Hi Day,

Don't mind me (well, I don't really need to ask),
That was a stupid thing to ask.

I can't even be your friend when I really need one.

I know after you hang up on me, you probably just went ahead and call Sebastian about me harrassing you.

Why has our relationship come to this?
If you didn't have Sebastian right away, would you still be so cold to me?

The thought of you telling him about us just tears me up inside.
If it's about me, I want to be there.
He is probably glad that you can confide to him.
Day, what did I do?

I asked you not to talk to him, but that's not fair of me.
So I'll take it back. If he gets to be your confidant and I don't even get to talk to you, then so be it.
It just hurts, that's all.

Last night my Day patches got a lot worse.

I was covered from neck to toe.
My whole body swelled up and I look like a fat person.

It was a painful night inside and outside.

Good night sil,

I forgot to say to you.

I'll admit, since losing you I haven't been able to sleep very well because I dream about you and when I wake up I couldn't get back to sleep.

But today is just unbearable!

At first it just itched at one spot. I didn't wake up. I probably just itched in my sleep. But soon, it spread to more and more places. And it started burning. Finally it woke me up. I tried to ignore it but slowly I started itching them consiously. I started wondering why am I itching? Could there be millions of bed bugs biting me? I looked at the clock, it was barely 4 in the morning. Relactently, I got out of the bed and turned on the light. I looked at the bed, it was fine. But I had all these red marks all over my upper body which really itched.

I decided to wash my bedding at once then I was ready to take a shower. That when the itching marks started to look very familiar. They have turned into these elevated patches. Looks just like what you used to have freshman and sophemore years.

Having experienced them first hand, I realize how much you were in pain everytime they came. Poor sil. Though you looked beautiful even with them on you.

When I took a shower, they were bruning up. Now finaly they are slowly going away and it's already 5:30. This is going to be a long day....

I guess I didn't need to wash my beddings since it's just me, not bugs.

This is probably the worst way of missing you. Being in painful patches that looks like what you used to have. I've got Day Patches....

I hope you are not experiencing this anymore.

You must be happy right now. Is he pretty when he is asleep? Is he as pretty as Leehom here in the picutre? ^_^~

Hi sil,

By now you are probably home from the party. I hope you had fun. And I hope you spent lots of time with your old friends, you don’t get to see them often. Tell me about the party when you have time.

Well, yesterday I worked out with Dave and Fred. They are seriously buff. When we were working out, Dave was talking about how he tried to wax his girlfriend’s down there. That was… pretty awkward. He said he used hot wax and he made it too hot and he didn’t hold her skin. She was in so much pain, she didn’t let him go through with it. First of all, those are pretty bad ideas. Second of all, pretty weird at work. Third, was I supposed to say something to that? Like suggested the wax we use? Err…

Afterward I was thinking, why did you let me do it to you? It must have hurt just as much. You let me do it more than once too. I always felt so bad for doing it. Did you do it just to please me? I guess I won’t understand why you would do that for me. Just like you probably won’t understand why I would give you two thousand dollars to pay off your car faster.

Is there no way to save the care we had for each other?

I went out today. I first went to the Redwood City yacht harbor. No one was there. Even though the sun is shining for the first time in a month, but it was still freezing. Then I went to the Great Mall. Apparently the only covered mall in Bay Area.

What are you doing now?

Hi sil,

I want to wish you have fun on your pre valentine party.

I guess I probably won't get to talk to you tonight.
You will probably go tomorrow together.

I hope you guys are not dating yet, because I want to ask you something.
Eventhough I probably know the answer to this already. but can't blame a guy for trying.

Will you be my valentine?

We can spend Valentine's day together.
Or my birthday together.
We can go to Ferducci together ^_^~
And eat round thingy, because I didn't have it yet.

What do you say?

Enjoy your party, remember to wear comfortable shoes ^_^~

再次聽到這句話，我並不驚訝。
因為，早從我第一次和她坐在一家咖啡店裡，
看著窗外狂舞的雪花，和迎面刺眼的銀白時。
我就知道，她會和我說這一句話，遲或早而已。
我只是在等，等那一天的來到，等那句話的降臨。
我為自己充分的做著準備，因為這次我不想再流淚。


當我的初戀雙手環抱著我的肩膀，
在我肩上，一面輕啜，一面在我耳邊輕輕的說

「我們還會是好朋友的」

我點了點頭，只要能見到妳，和妳聊聊天。
就是只能看著妳，觀賞妳像賞蓮花一樣，
我也心甘情願.....我想。

從那天紫色的夕陽溶入了夜幕後，
妳慢慢的教我什麼叫做朋友。

「朋友」　對妳來說，就是不會來煩妳的人。
越是不會打亂妳生活的，越是好朋友。
當然，妳需要幫助的時候，朋友一定要兩肋插刀。
可是事後也不要以為妳欠了我什麼。
反正，我是朋友，這些都是我的義務。

我頑暝不靈的不願意相信，那樣才是朋友。
我不時的打電話和妳聊聊，邀妳走走。
我以為，毫不保留的關懷，才是友誼。
可是妳的冷漠，眼神中的一絲絲厭煩，
和我眼神中偶爾忘記壓抑的愛慕時，對我毫不保留展現的憎惡。

一點一滴的殺死我的關懷，
一丁一點的切碎我唯一的心。

直到那天，我約妳一起去看場畫展，
妳電話中不情不願聲音再度切傷了另一個傷口。
妳珊珊來遲，我從滿是冰霜的鏡片後，
看到了妳挽著另一個身影。

「和你作朋友的意思，就是說我不想再見到你」

妳輕蔑的語氣，在寒冬裡為那破碎的心點上了一把火。
將它們焚燒成灰，直到我再也流不出一滴血淚為止。

呵，別怪我頹廢，別怪我消沉。
我所有的活力在努力治療我的心。
準備下一次的摧殘。


那位替我治好傷口的妳，
我以為妳會了解那句話對我的傷害。
沒想到妳只是換了一種語言，
對我做著同樣的欺騙。

「We will be better off if we are just friends,
　　　don't you think？」

Don't You Think　也許不是問句，
因為妳的尾音並沒有悠揚的提起。
好像是在命令我「不要想這句話的意義，照著做吧」
我不知道該感謝妳曾經幫我至好心上的那個創口，
還是該怨埋妳臨走時故意的把那傷口撕裂的更大。


Don't You Think.... Don't you DARE to think

生命中有太多事情，搞清楚了後只是讓自己迷失了生命的方向。
讓寂寞，孤寂，再度把我套牢。

這次，我有了充分的準備，
不會再陷入那美麗的謊言中，
也不會讓過去的回憶再度發膿。
當她一臉歉意的說

「我們還會是朋友吧？」的時候，

我對著她微笑，並不回答會不會，只說

「我了解」.......................





=========================================================================



When I heard the phrase again, I wasn’t surprised.
Because from the first time we sat in a corner cafe,
looking out the window, enjoying the choreography of the snow flakes,
I knew sooner or later she would say this to me.
I just have been waiting for that day to come, for that familiar phrase to visit.
I thought I was fully prepared, because this time I can’t want to shed a tear.

When my first love embraced me from the back,
lied her head on my shoulder, she was softly crying, and said to me

“We will still be good friends”.

I nodded my head. Just as long as I get to spend time with you, and talk to you,
even just get to look at you, like enjoying a lotus blossom, I would be satisfied..... So I thought.

Since that night, after the dark sky slowly devoured the purple sunset,
You began your lesson to me on what “friends” mean.

“Friend” to you, is someone who wouldn’t bother you.
The more I don’t disturb your life, the better a friend I am.
Of course, when you needed help, a friend would do anything for you.
But after words, that doesn’t mean you owed me anything.
I am your friend, these are my duties.

I am stubborn, I refuse to believe that is what you meant by being friends.
I often call you, ask you out for a walk.
I thought not being stingy with my care for you, is being your friend.
But in your coldness, your eyes showed frustration.
When I sometimes forgot to hide my true feelings in my eyes, you wouldn’t hesitate to show your resentment.

Drop by drop drowning my care,
Bit by bit cutting my only heart to pieces.

Until that day when I asked you to go to the exhibit,
The unwilling tone in your voice opened up another wound.
You came late, from behind the icy lenses,
I saw you holding on to someone else.

“What I meant by being your friend, means I don’t want to see you again!”

In that cold winter day, the despise in your voice, lit a flame to the broken pieces of my heart.
Burning them to ashes, until I can’t bleed one more drop of blood.

Ha, don’t blame me for being down, don’t blame me for being depressed.
I have used all my energy trying to mend my heart,
And wait for the next abuse.

You once healed my wound,
I thought you knew how much that phrase would hurt me.
But you just used paraphrased and told me the same lie.

“We will be better off if we are just friends,
　　　don't you think?”

“Don't you think” maybe wasn’t a question,
because you didn’t lift your beautiful tone at the end of the phrase.
Rather it was an order. “Don’t you think about what I mean, Just do as I say.”
I don’t know if I should thank you for mending the wound on my heart.
Or blame you for tearing that would even bigger on purpose when you left.

Don't You Think.... Don't you DARE to think.

There are too many things in life, after understanding it, only gets you more lost in your directions, let loneness once again imprisons me.

That’s why this time I am truly prepared.
I will not fall in to that dazzling lie.
I will not let those memories in the past profess.
When she remorsefully said

“We will still be friends right?”

I just smiled at her, and didn’t answer the question. I only said

“I understand”............




=========================================================================




When I saw this short story under my folder, I was shocked. I remember writing it, but I don’t remember why. Every word hits me so hard, as if I left a warning to myself from the past. Looking at the file properties I found out I wrote this on November eighteenth, 1998. Then suddenly I remember why I wrote this.

It was that time freshman year when you told me you just wanted to be friends.

I was crushed.

I went home, feeling really bummed, so I did what I used to do to let steam off. Write.
I exaggerated a little bit, and made up some details. I just wanted to say how I feel.
I don’t think I truly understood what I was writing about.

Was I more mature 5 years ago to have the courage to just say “I understand”?
I guess not, because afterwards I still tried my best getting close to you. And eventually you returned my feelings. That was all miracle for me.

This time around, I really loved you. I truly understood those feelings I described 5 years ago. This time, you meant it when you said you just want to be friends.

I won’t get to go visit you. I won’t get to see you. I won’t get to talk to you much for that matter.

There are things I can not control. It feels like I knew they were on their way. Yet I am just as helpless when they happen.

To be honest with you, I still don’t know how you could do it.
Fell in love so soon, as if you’ve been waiting for it.
I talked to William a few days ago. His relationship ended 6 month ago.
Still he says he doesn’t want to look for someone yet, because he feels like he couldn’t be fair to her.

That’s exactly how I feel. Not like I can get a girl, but even if I could, I won’t be able to be fair to her.

I want to be your friend. I hope you will treat me like one soon. It’s funny how you always drop me when someone else is calling you, even when we were together. Now I am your friend, do I get to be let in now? Or I’ll always be the one that gets dropped off, just because I am me?

普 通 朋 友 詞曲: David Tao
pu3 tong peng2 you3

等 待 ，我 隨 時 隨 地 在 等 待 ，
deng3 dai4 ，wo3 sue2 shi2 she2 di4 zai4 deng3 dai4，
做 你 感 情 上 的 依 賴。
zuo4 ni3 gan3 qing2 shang4 de yi lai4。
我 沒 有 任 何 的 疑 問 ，這 是 愛。
wo3 mei2 you3 ren4 he2 de yi2 wen4，zhe4 shi4 ai4。

我 猜 ，你 早 就 想 要 說 明 白。
wo3 cai，ni3 zao3 jio4 xiang3 yao4 shuo meng2 bai2。
我 覺 得 自 己 好 失 敗。
wo3 jue2 de2 zi4 ji3 hao3 she bai4。
從 天 堂 掉 落 到 深 淵 ，多 無 奈。
zong2 tian tang2 diao4 luo4 dao4 shen yuan，duo wu nai4。

我 願 意 改 變 (what can I do?)
wo3 yuan4 yi4 gai3 bian4 (what can I do?)
重 新 再 來 一 遍 (just give me a chance)
chong2 xin zai4 lai2 yi bian4 (just give me a chance)

我 無 法 只 是 普 通 朋 友。
wo3 wu2 fa3 zhe3 shi4 pu3 tong peng2 you3。
感 情 已 那 麼 深 ，叫 我 怎 麼 能 放 手？
gan3 qing2 yi3 na4 mo shen，jiao4 wo3 zen3 mo neng2 fang4 shou3？

但 你 說 I only want to be your friend，做 個 朋 友。
dan4 ni3 shuo I only want to be your friend，zuo3 ge peng2 you3。
我 在 妳 心 中 只 是 just a friend，不 是 情 人。
wo3 zai4 ni3 xin zhong zhi3 shi4 just a friend，bu2 shi4 qing2 ren2。

我 感 激 妳 對 我 這 樣 的 坦 白，
wo3 gan3 ji ni3 due4 wo3 zhe4 yang4 de tan3 bai2，
但 我 給 你 的 愛 暫 時 收 不 回 來。
san4 wo3 gei3 ni3 de ai4 zhan4 shi2 shou bu4 hue2 lai2。

So I 我 不 能 只 是 be your friend。
So I wo3 bu4 neng2 zhi3 shi4 be your friend。
I just can't be your friend no,no,no,
I just can't be your friend no,no,no,
我 不 能 只 是 做 你 的 朋 友，
wo3 bu4 neng2 zhi3 shi4 zuo4 ni3 de peng2 you3，
不 能 只 是 做 普 通 朋 友。
bu4 neng2 zhi3 shi4 zuo4 pu3 tong peng2 you3。



Regular Friend By David Tao

Waiting, I've been waiting every minute and every second,
to be the one you rest your love on.
I have no doubt at all, this is love.

I guess you've been wanting to tell me the truth.
I feel that I am such a failure.
Falling from heaven to hell, how helpless?

I am willing to change (what can I do?)
Let us start over (just give me a chance.)

I can't just be just your regular friend.
My love for you is already so deep, how can I just let go?

But you say I only want to be your friend, be a regular friend.
In your heart, I am only just a friend, not your love.

I appreciate your honesty to me.
But my love for you can't be taken back for a while.

So I, I can't just be your friend.
I just can't be your friend no,no,no,
I can't just be your friend,
Not just a regular friend.


=========================================================================

I never thought this song would become the exact words out of my mouth.
If I had David Tao's voice, would I be able to sing you back to my side?

Did you have round thingy? Is that kind good?

I guess last time my persian food metaphor could be changed to round thingys huh?
Thank you for calling me today. Thank you for missing me. I know even when I am 70, I’ll still miss you. Miss the times we had. I’ll regret losing you. (till your hair turns grey :P)

When I woke up, I literally reached for you. Then I remembered I am not in Irvine. Then I remembered I am not with you.

I guess today will just be one of my down days.

If you didn’t leave me, this would probably be a great weekend to go back and visit. I can just see me cooking round thingy for us, and you are in your little red pajamas hugging me from behind. We would talk. We would watch a sweet movie while eating round thingy. We would be amazed at how the other person knows exactly what I wanted to do or say. It would be cold, but we would feel so warm.

But you will be having fun at the party. I’ll be here trying to hang on. Remember how you didn’t want to go watch the Lord of the rings at Sebastian’s house and I told you to go? That one is hilarious too.

I always said if you found someone, you don’t have to wait for me. But you have to tell me. I hate how our relationship ended. It was so full of resentment and I had no clue. You never answered my question in the “good luck running” post. If you had another chance, would you have done anything different? Would you still stop telling me how you really feel?

Please don’t hold things that happened 2, 3 years ago against me. I’ve changed, at least I was trying and you know it, I was trying to be more supportive of you going out to do things you want to do. Calling you on the phone all the time, and coming over twice a month has nothing to do with me not letting you have your new life style. It was just me missing you. I thought you missed me too. If you didn’t like it, you’ve never told me. You said yourself, once a month was too hard.

Please don’t hate me for going over to Irvine that weekend either. I didn’t know you already have someone else. You’ve never told me.

Knowing that you hold these things against me just hurts so much. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can still see the way you looked at me. I wish there’s someone who I can talk to but all I can do is write about it and hope to get a response.

Love isn’t easy because if it is, it wouldn’t be precious. How hard is it to find a person who feels the same way you feel for them. I thought we had that. Now it seems like you and Sebastian have that.

Are you treating Sebastian to round thingys since he doesn’t know what it is?

I know, you don’t like reading this stuff. You probably will think that we are over this. Sorry.

Hi sil,

How are you feeling today ^_^~

I hope you are having a great day.

Last night when you called me, you sounded very happy.
I am glad ^_^~ it’s been a while since you’ve been happy when I am around.

I hope you are just as happy after we hang up as well.

I am feeling pretty good today. Not physically. I am sleepy cause I had sinigang stew for breakfast.
I think its because we had a great talk, and I went out with my co-workers to have sushi and we had a great time.
We had saki, and tones of tuna belly, yellow tail, spider roll and mackerel sashimi.
The 3 of us (one Hongkongese, one Corean, and one Taiwanese) eating in a Japanese restaurant, we spent 120 dollars.
That’s 40 bucks each!!!! Holy mad cow disease. I didn’t pay for one penny though ^_^~

I think writing out the truth about how I feel like dieing let some steam out of me
, letting go some of the repressed feeling that I’ve been trying to fight.
I don’t mean to scare you. But if that make you call me, maybe I should do it more often :P
Just kidding ^_^~

Anyway, I am happy today.
I hope you have a great day just as well.
Doing things that makes you happy.
I don’t know if this feeling is here to stay, or is it just another one of my mood swings.
I just hope I don’t bother you and get in your way.
I know how mad you used to get when we were having a great time and someone from your family called you.
I don’t think you are as forgiving to me as to your family members.
So I don’t want to fuel your dislike for me anymore than you already have.

Another weekend is coming, and I still haven’t figured out what I can do for myself.
I had discovered in horror that after my 401 k and stock options.
I am now only getting less than one thousand dollars a month!

I don’t know how I will survive that.
Maybe I’ll just sell some stocks every month?

Smile baobei,

I sure miss it.

Not since fifth grade have I wished death. I have looked down upon those who have killed themselves. However, at times like this, when it hurts so bad, I really wish all these could just stop.

Knowing that you are doing all the things we used to do with someone else, and enjoying it. Knowing you are treating this person as if he is the love of your life. Knowing you are talking to him at night until you both go to sleep because it make you calm. You use to be so eager to talk to me and now it just feels like I am taking your time from you. It is killing me.

Knowing you feel being with me is like being trapped. Knowing you dislike being with me. Knowing you don't even want to give me one more chance. Knowing there is no way back. Knowing I once encouraged you to do all those things and it still wasn’t enough. It is killing me.

Waking up in the middle of the night and realize all of this isn't just not a nightmare. There is no waking up from it.

I have always wanted you to be happy. But I am the reason you are unhappy. The irony is unbearable.

I wish a truck would run me over. I wish my plane crash. I wish all these pain, would just end in one instant and not go on day after day after day... My pain just makes you despise me because I can’t just get over it and leave you alone.

What do I want from you? You asked me. I don't know. Maybe I just want to start over again. This time I won’t leave you. I will be the one running the 5k with you. I will be the one talking to you until we are both asleep. I will be the one that you come to when you are sad and unhappy. I'll make French toast for you in the morning. We’ll go out to eat at Sushi Riki and be excited about Crunchy roll.

My boss took everyone to a Persian restaurent, called Yas, for lunch today. I ordered eggplant dip because that’s what we always had at Ferducci's. All my co-workers loved it and said it’s a great choice. And all I was thinking is “This taste different. I like the one at Ferdussi's better.”

Will that be the rest of my life? I know I've had the best. Does nothing else can compare anymore? I sincerely hope that is not true. But it surely feels like that now.

What about you? What if one day Ferdussi's closed down? You tried other Persian restaurants and they don't taste the same. Would you still want to eat Persian food? Or would you just give up on it?

I am not the love of your life. For that, I am sorry.