我不懂,不過我又能了解。我又不願接受,可是我能體諒。我不甘心,我要挽回,卻一句也沒說。鞭策我的那些甜蜜的細節,是妳寧願忘卻的過往。我能說什麼,先離開的是我。在那個難得烏雲密佈的五月天,我們 Four Year Anniversary 前的一個禮拜,妳在哭,我也在哭,天也陪著掉淚,一路流到終程。

回台灣兩個禮拜前的週末不是像在做夢一般甜美嗎?班機雖然晚了一個小時才到,但一出了機場就看到了妳滿臉的笑容。我們在機場正廳中擁抱,妳不像以往一樣在意旁人的眼神,唯一重要的是這一刻。我們沒有安排任何行程,就在家裡分享四十八小時中的每一秒。倚在沙發上聊天,在房間裡對著Musiq的「Don't Change」慢舞,一起煮妳愛吃的蕃薯飯,到中午十二點才跑去Mimi's Cafe求他們做早餐。那個週末,每秒鐘妳都開心的笑著,我最愛看妳這個樣子。直到離開前,在機場裡妳居然哭了。之前每次回來看妳,妳都那麼堅強轉身離去。妳和我說「這個週末太完美了。」我通過安檢轉頭看見妳還站在原地哭泣時,心都碎了。

You say "It never gets any easier."

兩個禮拜裡,是什麼改變了呢?當我穿出人叢時,妳沒有露出微笑。我伸手搭妳的肩,妳撇過了臉。話聊不起來。連去吃早餐都有如在坐針毯。妳說每次分離很痛苦,是長痛不如短痛嗎?我總是認為愛最迷人的就是牽掛。但是當妳不願再關心我,牽掛就成了一件厭煩的事。沉溺在上次會面的我沒能預見妳醞釀已久的念頭。但自從分隔兩地後,我就知道這是早晚的事了。妳像個小女孩一樣,熱愛自由,嚮往著外面無限的可能。每次妳說會等我,我都只是笑笑,不想太快戳破妳我的夢。我們還要一起去夏威夷,去紐西蘭,去阿拉斯加和去義大利。下次我回去我們還要去聖地牙哥,要去泡溫泉不是嗎?

妳一直追問我心裡是如何感受,於是我坦白的讓妳知道。我哭出聲來的時候妳慌了,妳陪我哭,還說妳不要分手了,之前說的都不算數。可惜那不是妳真正的期望,妳只是心疼我哭,我沒讓妳再欺騙自己。一切就這樣結束了。再度在機場離開妳,妳沒有哭。只有我升空造雨。

四年七個月又八天

I don't get it, but I think I can understand. I refuse to accept, but I am willing to forgive. I want you back, but I didn't say anything. Those sweet details that drives me forward, is the past you rather forget. What can I say? I left you first, in that rare cloudy mayday, one week before our four year anniversary. You were crying, I was crying, even the heavens dropped its tears, all the way to my destination.

That weekend, two weeks before I went back to Taiwan, wasn't it as sweet as a dream? Even though my flight was late for an hour, but the moment I stepped out the airport I saw your face with a huge smile. we hugged in the lobby, and you didn't mind others staring like you used to, because this moment is the only thing that mattered. We didn't plan anything. Instead we shared every second of the 48 hours together at home. We lounged around the comfee spot and chatted. We slow danced to Musiq's don't change in the room, cooked yor favorite Yam rice. We fooled around until noon, then went to Mimi's Café and begged them to make breakfast. That weekend, you seemed to smile from the bottom of your heart every single second. I love seeing you so happy like that. Until when I was leaving, you started crying in the airport. You've never done that before, you were always so brave to turn around and walk away. You said to me “This weekend was perfect.” When I passed security and turned to see you still standing on the same spot crying, my heart broke in pieces. I said to myself “she's the one”.

You say "It never gets any easier."

What did change in two weeks? When I got through the crowd, you didn't smile. When I reached out for your shoulder, you turned your face away. Our conversations wouldn't stick. Even going to Mimi's felt like sitting on a needle bed. You said it's too painful every time we part, did you rather have a quick pain to get it over with? I always thought the most attractive part about love is the thinking for each other. But when you don't wish to care for me anymore, it becomes a burden. Still indulging in our last perfect meeting, I couldn't foresee what you have been brewing underneath your mind, even though since I left, I knew this would happen sooner or later. You are like a little girl who yearns for your freedom, looking to experience the endless possibilities out there. Every time you said “I'll wait for you”, I just smile and hold you tight. I don't want to burst this beautiful bubble too soon. We still have to go to Hawaii together, go to New Zealand together, go to Alaska together and, and don't forget Italy! Next time I come we are going to San Diego, and going to the Spa, aren't we?

You kept asking me how I feel inside. So I let you know directly. When I started crying, you panicked. You cried with me, and even said you didn't want to take a break anymore, you didn't mean what you said. Too bad that's not what you really hoped for. I don't want you to lie to yourself. So it will end here. When I leave you in the airport again, I lifted off to make rain.  Four years, seven month and eight days.
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hansioux

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