竹板凳的漁瘟

Not since fifth grade have I wished death. I have looked down upon those who have killed themselves. However, at times like this, when it hurts so bad, I really wish all these could just stop.

Knowing that you are doing all the things we used to do with someone else, and enjoying it. Knowing you are treating this person as if he is the love of your life. Knowing you are talking to him at night until you both go to sleep because it make you calm. You use to be so eager to talk to me and now it just feels like I am taking your time from you. It is killing me.

Knowing you feel being with me is like being trapped. Knowing you dislike being with me. Knowing you don't even want to give me one more chance. Knowing there is no way back. Knowing I once encouraged you to do all those things and it still wasn’t enough. It is killing me.

Waking up in the middle of the night and realize all of this isn't just not a nightmare. There is no waking up from it.

I have always wanted you to be happy. But I am the reason you are unhappy. The irony is unbearable.

I wish a truck would run me over. I wish my plane crash. I wish all these pain, would just end in one instant and not go on day after day after day... My pain just makes you despise me because I can’t just get over it and leave you alone.

What do I want from you? You asked me. I don't know. Maybe I just want to start over again. This time I won’t leave you. I will be the one running the 5k with you. I will be the one talking to you until we are both asleep. I will be the one that you come to when you are sad and unhappy. I'll make French toast for you in the morning. We’ll go out to eat at Sushi Riki and be excited about Crunchy roll.

My boss took everyone to a Persian restaurent, called Yas, for lunch today. I ordered eggplant dip because that’s what we always had at Ferducci's. All my co-workers loved it and said it’s a great choice. And all I was thinking is “This taste different. I like the one at Ferdussi's better.”

Will that be the rest of my life? I know I've had the best. Does nothing else can compare anymore? I sincerely hope that is not true. But it surely feels like that now.

What about you? What if one day Ferdussi's closed down? You tried other Persian restaurants and they don't taste the same. Would you still want to eat Persian food? Or would you just give up on it?

I am not the love of your life. For that, I am sorry.