竹板凳的漁瘟

It is so hard to stop thinking about you.
I think I have realized that I will never get you back.
You will never love me like you did before.
So I'll do just that.

Just let me miss you one last time.

There are so many things that I miss about you, I don't even know how to start.

I miss seeing your face first thing in the morning.

I miss those times we just opened our eyes and simply look at each other with a smile for a long long time.

I miss you singing good morning, good morning, it’s great to stay up late next to my ears when we didn’t stay up at all.

I miss the times you stayed in bed all day just listen to the rain and watched TV.

I miss those times we just talk when we wake up, the talks that made us understand each other more than anyone else.

I miss the times you flip on top of me and say you love me.

I miss when I made you laugh at the smallest things. An impression or some silly joke, though I am not very good at it.

I miss your innocent smile, as bright as your nick name, makes me forget about my worries, the smile that I fell in love with by first sight.

I miss those four tiny wrinkles on your nose when you smile, just like that song “what a wonderful day”.

I miss the way you say “I don’t have wrinkles on my nose!!”

I miss your nose, I used to bite it. You used to say it’s big, but it is not big at all.

I miss your soft lips, the first set of lips I kissed. They are red like peach blossom on their own, the sexiest feature on your face.

I miss your tongue, soft yet firm, warm and moist like the beach in Taiwan. You make it touch your chin just to make me smile.

I miss your chin. it has a life of its own.

I miss playing with your ears, and hearing you say “No sloppy ear!”

I miss your soft dark brown hair, which is not black. When it was very long I used to sleep on it and hurt you by accident. I love playing with your hair and see you close your eyes to enjoy my touch with a big big smile, making meow meow noises. When we first got together, you didn’t used to comb it. You wanted me to play with your hair, so you started combing it everyday.

I miss the way your hair smells, first it smelled like lavender, then coconut, for a while it smelled like green apple, now it smells like pomegranate. When I tried to bring the two huge bottles of pomegranate shampoo and conditioner onto the plane, the security looked at me like I am crazy.

I miss when I tell you how beautiful you looked, how sexy you are, how cute and pretty you are, with a big smile your eyes lit up as say "Really?"

I miss when I tell you how beautiful you looked, how sexy you are, how cute and pretty you are, you blush looks away and say "You lie, only you would think that."

I miss when I tell you how beautiful you looked, how sexy you are, how cute and pretty you are, you tilt up your head and proudly say "I know~" Even though you are kidding, but I always wished that you really know just how beautiful you are.

I miss when you try very hard to speak Mandarin in your cute sweet little voice to me. You always ask me "Wo3 De Yan3 Jing Zi4 Na3 Li3". Your Yan3 Jing is on your face, and your Yan Jing4 is on the desk :) You are a great learner. Thank you.

I miss when you send me little e-cards and letters. I kept them all. They are in a box somewhere at your place.

I miss going to a mall with you, just browsing the windows because there is little we wanted when we had each other. We would just hold hands, get close to each other. See if there is something that could make each other laugh.

I miss going to Glen Ivy spa with you. I get to see you in your swim suit all day. We get to unwind and talk about anything we want. Remember the first time we went? I had the pita with pine nuts and avocados in it and we shared a glass of Champagne. You got the worse sun burn when you came home. Fake tan~

I miss your beautiful sexy even skin tone, looks good enough to eat.

I miss how much you adored laxy, like he was really your child. You were so happy when we found little clothes for him in Long Beach and you kept asking me if they would fix our chubby little boy.

I miss how you comforted me when I am sad. You would buy me little gifts like Butterstick and the Bunnies just to make me feel better.

I miss those times when you say you are going to kick my butt.

I miss all the little excuses you’d make when you don’t want to shower, brush your teeth, or take off your contacts.

I miss you rubbing your eyes with your arm softly to put yourself to sleep. You look like a little kitten.

I miss when you sing, you’d close your eyes and squeeze out a powerful voice out of that little body of yours.

I miss when you randomly starts singing the "Namo Ami Buddha" song. It makes smile.

I miss when you ask me to sing to you before you sleep. I try really hard not to be too loud and my voice ends up all squeaky.

I miss that time when we went to watch Lion King, and I sang really loud on the way back. You looked at me funny.

I miss when we went to Gospel choir, and we sit next to each other and have fun with singing. We would sing all the back to your place together.

I miss when we went to the Black church in Santa Ana, we were the only two asian people in the place. How we were moved by their power.

I miss taking you to Hotpot, taking you to try new restaurants, taking you to Furduccis, the falafel king, to sushi rikki, to Nice time deli, the porridge place, even when we used to goto Oshine. You were always so excited.

I miss how we would be truly upset when our favorite restaurant closed down when we haven’t gone for a while.

I miss how you were willing to try new things. Sometimes even when you knew you wouldn’t like it, you’d do it just to make me happy.

I miss how you can have fun and be a little kid around me. How being with you makes me be myself. How relaxed and truthful we were. The trust of each other, makes me know you are the one.

I miss the total trust we shared. We trusted each other so much. We respected each other's privacy.

I miss when we talk about places we wanted to go together, Hawaii, Tahiti, Jamaica, Taiwan, Philippines, Alaska, New York, Vancouver, Yellow Stone, Las Vegas, Europe, New Zealand, Australia and San Diego. We would go out and get all the pamphlets and look at the price, planning out our dream vacation.

I miss when I drove for 2 day to Vancouver, you were there to open the door for me. And I forgot about how tired I was. You were so passionate. Don’t you know sil, I am willing to do anything for you.

I miss when you came to visit me. You brought me the bottle of raspberry Champagne. Your chubby cheeks blushed; I thought it looked like the color of happiness.

I miss giving you back rub and foot massages. You looked so relaxed. Like it’s not my hand touching you, but soft warm feather blanket covering your entire body. I miss how you fall asleep right after my massages. Even on that last day.

I love hearing your little moaning. See your face change with every little pain and pleasure. See the joy that came in your face. See the passion in your eyes. Feel no more space left between us. Immerse myself in you. Like that Mayday Rock song, you are the vast warm ocean, and I am just the drop of rain.

I miss taking bubble bath with you. For that I cleaned the bath tub as often as I could in Parkwest, so we could make bubble bikinis for each other.

I miss going to the arc with you. You always look so serious when you work out.

I miss picking you up at school, at work or at home.

I miss cooking with you. Looking up receipts and browsing the grocery store. Make meals that are cheap and fancy. Make meals that we both never had before. Then we enjoy it over a movie, mostly Bridget Jones. Saffron rice, Lemon Asparagus rice, Tofu mushroom in white sauce, Butterfly Shrimp.

I miss cooking for you, so when you get home all tired and cold, you have something warm to fill you up.

I miss you cooking for me. Pancakes, Sinigang Stew, and all the dishes I love.

I miss how you are willing to give up meat almost all the time for me.

I miss your poutie lips when you are mad at me.

I miss your forgiveness and your kindness. Something I have worn out.

I miss the biggest smile on your face that I could see 10 feet away when you are waiting for me at the airport.

I miss when you were happy.

I miss when you were happy because we were together.

I miss when love was easy.

I miss when love yields no pain.

I miss your tears in your eyes that day I left.

I miss when we went to the Grand Canyon. When your eyes were lit by the millions of stars we’ve never knew existed. Watching the shooting stars pass by every ten seconds. Baobei, my wish didn’t come true.

I miss when you say you miss me.
I miss having you to miss.
There is so much more…
And I'll have to forget them all, one day at a time.



實在很難忘記妳，
但我想我已了解妳再也不會回來了。
所以我要忘記妳。

讓我再想妳最後一次，
該從哪開始想呢

一醒來就看到妳的臉

一張開眼睛就互相注視好久好久

早上起來妳會唱，早安，早安，熬夜真好
可是我們完全沒熬夜

整天和妳待在床上看電視

清晨醒來，聊到中午才起床

妳翻到我身上，和我說妳愛我

妳為會一點小事笑得好開心

妳的笑，像妳的小名一樣明亮。讓我忘憂。讓我愛上妳

妳笑的時候，鼻樑上會出現四條小細紋。
像 What A wonderful day 那首歌。

妳棕色的頭髮，妳總是強調不是黑色！
為了要我常常摸妳的頭髮，妳開始天天梳頭。

妳的髮香。

我和妳說妳很美的時候，妳會笑著問我「真的嗎？」

我和妳說妳很美的時候，妳會臉紅，撇開臉說「你騙人，只有你會這樣想。」

我和妳說妳很美的時候，妳會抬高頭，開玩笑的說「我知道啊」
我希望妳真的知道。

妳為我學國語，每次都問我「我的眼睛在哪裡？」
眼睛在妳臉上，眼鏡在桌上。

妳寫給我的小卡片

和妳一起去泡溫泉。能整天看妳穿泳裝。
一面放鬆一面聊天。妳有均勻健康的膚色，
但是總是妳被曬傷。

妳像愛小孩一樣愛Laxy。我們找到它可以穿的衣服時，
妳又高興又擔心。直問不知道那個小胖子穿不穿得下。

我難過的時候妳安慰我。還會買小禮物讓我心情好起來。

妳說要好好教訓我的時候。

妳不想刷牙、脫隱型眼鏡、洗澡時編的藉口。

妳像小貓一樣愛用手臂磨擦眼睛，讓自己入睡。

妳唱歌時總是閤起眼睛，從妳小小的身體內，擠出有力的歌聲。

妳有時會突然唱起南無觀世音菩薩。讓我狂笑。

妳在睡前要我唱歌給妳聽。

一起上聖歌課。下課後，我們在深夜合唱著回家。

我們為心愛的餐館倒店而生氣。

妳願意嚐試新的東西，就算妳知道妳不會喜歡。

我們可以在對方面前恢復童心，
妳讓我感到自在，坦白。

我們間的互信，互相的尊重。

和妳一起計畫未來的旅行。夏威夷，大溪地，牙買加，台灣，
菲律賓，阿拉斯加，紐約，溫哥華，黃石，拉斯維加斯，歐洲，
紐西蘭，澳洲和聖地牙哥。我會去旅行社拿了一堆小冊子回來比價格。
打造夢中的行程。

我開到溫哥華，妳開門的那一刻，我忘卻了疲倦。
妳好熱情，難道妳不知道我願為妳做所有的事？

妳來舊金山看我時，帶來的那瓶紅莓香檳。
妳的臉頰泛紅，我以為是快樂的顏色。

幫妳按摩。看妳放鬆。有如觸碰妳的不是手，而是溫暖的羽毛。
妳總是馬上入睡，就連最後見面那晚。

我喜歡聽妳發出的聲音。看妳的表情隨著每個痛和愉悅改變。
看快樂浮在妳臉上。看熱情在妳眼裡。讓我們之間再無距離。
妳是海洋，我是雨滴落在妳身上。

一起去運動，妳運動時總是那麼專注。

去接妳

和妳一起煮飯，一起計畫要煮什麼菜。到超市閒逛。
煮又便宜又豐盛的大餐。煮我們從來沒吃過的菜。
一邊看著電影…通常都是Bridget Jones。
番紅花飯，檸檬蘆筍飯，法式香菇豆腐，香蒜焗蝦…

替妳準備熱湯，讓妳回家時能暖暖身。

妳特地煮我愛吃的菜

妳生氣時嘟起的嘴。

妳的寬恕與原諒。兩個我已耗盡的東西。

在機場裡遠遠的看到妳的笑容。

妳高興的時候。

妳為我們相聚而快樂的時候。

愛很簡單的時候。

愛沒有痛苦的時候。

我離去時妳臉頰上的淚。

我想我們去大峽谷的時候，當妳的眼被上萬顆我們從不知存在的星星點亮時，
看著流星每十秒劃過一次天際。寶貝，我的願望沒實現。

我想妳說想我的時候，
我想能想妳的時候，
還有太多太多，
我會將這些全部忘記，
每天忘一次。