竹板凳的漁瘟

感受椅子上餘留的
陌生體溫　你可會反感
倘若　你是那張椅子呢

板凳　趁下一個人進坐之前
努力失溫

打翻一鍋濃郁的純真
淡淡的焦味灑了一地
薄薄的腐皮　儘管破碎
頑固地在鍋邊掛意

於是再起一爐
甘草、當歸、花椒
和一罐誤置的烏醋作滷汁

豆泡裡漲滿著憤怒
在雙唇間爆開滿口的酸
而忘記泡軟的腐竹
成了生鏽的箭頭
將大火割傷了仍煮不爛

躡手傾覆砂糖
嚐試最後的挽救
釜底五味雜陳的沸騰
再翻滾　也解不開一束豆腐結

0.000是距離，
有三十公升的機會去接近。
美好的下午，笑容和關心，
一彎虹橋如此輕易，
撇去上唇與下唇的分歧。

是誰嘟起了嘴跺腳？
聲音甜得我無法抗拒。
最後四毫升，細微的壓力，
齒輪巧合的接銜，
相擁再無嫌隙。

心　歸零，
後座上　我還在原地。

　　大壩尖山，奇特的外觀聳立在雪山山脈中，特別的明顯。住在大壩尖山下的泰雅人相信大壩尖山有一塊巨石，裂開生出了人，而人在他們的語言裡就叫Tseole（澤敖列）。大壩尖山生出了澤敖列，也孕育了大安溪。而澤敖列人就居住在大安溪流域。有一群澤敖列居住在大安溪畔，他們的部落叫雙崎。九二一那天，天崩地裂後，對雙崎的澤敖列來說，裂開的不只是大地。

 

　　九二一地震後，雙崎部落完全全和外界斷了聯絡。有一個住在桃園的原住民歌手巴亞斯和一些朋友趕回了部落中，組了一個叫「部落之音」的地下電台，鼓勵族人不要失去希望。雙崎部落的長老們也馬上推舉出了雙崎重建委員會。地震之後最嚴重的就是沒有水喝。山地部落本來就沒有自來水，需要自行上山用水管接水。大地震連水都震怕了，水源頭通通跑去躲起來。雙崎的協調上問題立刻就突顯了出來，上雙崎與下雙崎各自行動，自接自的水。讓部落中形成了兩個對立的團體。

 

　　有一位吳俊傑老師，也就是原住民作家瓦歷斯‧諾幹，和他的三個孩子住雙崎。他的原本分居的妻子，同樣是作家的排灣族的阿「女烏」，聽到雙崎對外失聯，馬上自台北趕到東勢，在路不通，車不動的情況下，用步行的回到了雙崎部落。九二一不久，颱風隨即撲向台灣。瓦歷斯‧諾幹一家和一些中生代與一些家園全毀的人家建議部落先到比較安全的地方，等颱風過了再回來。部落的長老卻覺得這樣對祖先不敬而反對。這是雙方嫌隙的開始。

 

　　避難中的中生代在軍營中組成了「彌互伊甸園」，希望部落中能相互的彌補缺失。希望用願景來幫助整個部落重建。他們向扶輪社求助了一千萬，來建一棟組合屋，讓災民來住。陳慶和牧師自己的房子和教會也垮了，但是很大方的把自己一塊桃子園捐出來建造組和屋。他的太太受採訪的時候很哀怨的說：「桃子園被砍掉的時候，我一直眼淚很多，我問牧師說，你為什麼住他們？他說沒關係，可憐他們沒地方住，就都砍掉了。」組合屋可以住三年，而三年之後每個家庭需要重建好家園，搬出組合屋。

 

　　一開始在組織下，組合屋一切都條條有理。在大廚房裡的家一起吃飯。小孩放學了，分小學班和中學班，有專人指導功課。大家成立了水源隊，農業隊等等，希望請專家教導大家如何理財，種值有經濟利益的農作物，和紡織有特色的織物，成立直銷以免作物被剝削。能夠讓組合屋裡的家庭能夠重新站起來。可是慢慢的很多理想開始破滅。答應要來教課的專家教授不願意來，或是來了一次就不再來。經費也越來越缺少。

 

　　組合屋蓋好了之後，反而成為了其它領金費租屋的災民忌妒的對象。他們看到媒體和資源好像都向組合屋去，而組合屋的人把給整個部落的資源都拿去了。於是有人偷偷的去把組合屋接上雙崎水源的水管切斷了。組合屋的人只有自己也上山去找水源，組合屋的幹部在山上休息的時候了解，原來他們自己成為了對立的第三個團體。一兩年過後重建委員會不願意重選，也不願意讓不是長老的中生代加入。慢慢的部落中的對立越來越嚴重，尖鋒相對，甚至到了見面都不打招呼的地步。大家都互相指責你有什麼，我沒有什麼。兩邊的領導都不斷的嘗試釋出善意，分享資源，但是問題卻沒有改善。

 

　　山上的民生問題也完全沒得到解決。不斷的向政府反應水和交通的問題都沒有得到實際上的解決。只要一下雨，水源就黃濁不能飲用。當然這個問題不是地震後才有的，二十年以來向政府反應需要自來水石沉大海。大安溪滔滔的河水從雙崎流過，但雙崎的人卻一滴也喝不到。道路一年都沒修復。唯二的修路是九二一後連戰副總統上山，和一年後陳水扁上山，才十幾天全部都搶通了。

 

　　地震兩年後，經濟情況一直無法好轉下，阿女烏和瓦歷斯受到的壓力就越來越大。兩人間的關係也越來越惡化，壓力大到身體都垮了。阿女烏大病一場後，兩人終於離婚，阿女烏孤身回到了台北。遷離時間逼近，組合屋的人慢慢各自搬了出去。原本的願景和希望通通都放棄了。部落之音電台的巴亞斯也很無奈的問大家：Musasuinu？你要去哪裡？而他則回到了台北巴里左岸打鹿灣餐廳當歌手。結束了部落之音。

 

　　紀錄片最後，除了 Musasuinu 這首歌之外，同時也放了這一首改編歌。讓人感觸頗深。

親愛的父老兄弟姊妹們，請你們可憐我。人家喝的水是真正的自來水，我們喝的水是人家的不要，我又把它撈起來，喔伊呀嗨啊。
親愛的父老兄弟姊妹們，請你們可憐我。人家的土地是真正的土地，我們的土地是國家的公園，山林的保護地，喔伊呀嗨啊。
親愛的父老兄弟姊妹們，請你們可憐我。人家的工作是真正的工作，我們的工作是pailang的不要，pailang的剩下，喔伊呀嗨啊。

註：pailang是原住民稱呼漢人的名詞，一說取自台語的歹人（壞人），另一來源可能是西班牙人稱漢人居所為 Parian。在西班牙統治台灣北部時也曾設立 Parian。

　　看完了這一部片。感觸很多。比對去年數次風災後山上的情況，似乎一直都不能從中走出來。山上的問題很多，的確不是重建就能解決的。山上的樹砍掉了這麼久，大家在山上蓋二三層樓的水泥房子。在山上堆平了地來種矮矮的果樹，種高山蔬菜。不幸的是唯一的經濟來源，也是災難不斷發生的原因。要為了水土保持不開路，叫他們不要從事農業，又要他們怎麼活呢？

　　我聽了好多好多人互相指責，推卸責任。是誰放縱山林濫砍。是誰不重修道路讓生活過不去。是誰……

　　我卻聽不到誰真的提出怎樣化解這個惡性循環的惡夢。

讀完鄧相揚醫師在二十年的田野資料收集而成的大作「霧社事件」後，近日觀完公視大戲風中緋櫻，及於一九七七年擊動美國一時的影集Roots。兩片一部以北京話拍攝賽德克人反抗奴役，一部以英文拍攝非洲人從家園中被擄走押到美國，強迫成為奴役。心中感觸頗多。

尤其是對於發生還不到一百年前的霧社事件，風中緋櫻居然因找不到會母語的演員，無法以賽德克語拍攝。許多人甚至不知道賽德克語和泰雅語有所不同。住在台灣這塊土地上的人，對台灣歷史真相的無知與漠視使人無語。

所幸一群台灣的漢族製作人與曾拍過電影「七月天」、擔任「雙瞳」副導的魏德聖導演願意一賭，以最大的努力，最國際的手法拍一部以霧社事件為主題的電影，賽德克　巴萊。

你可以說賽德克　巴萊的意思是「真正的人」，也可以說他的意思是賽德克英雄。這部電影將完全以母語，及當時台灣各族群的語言來呈現。

其試拍片段在第四屆純十六影展引起了廣大迴響。從試拍片段中可看出這部片的理想是宏闊的。但是也因為此題材在台灣並不熱門，他們也需要支持者捐募來取得正式拍片的經費。

以下是賽德克　巴萊的網站。一些劇照，及試拍片之連結。

希望大家能感受到製作群的努力。

賽德克　巴萊官方網站：http://www.seediqbale.com/

試拍片下戴：http://www.purely16.com.tw/video/purely16-SeediqBale-ch_hi.wmv


有關 Roots 和族名：

看完 Roots 前兩集，也就是 Kuta Kinte 剛過完成年禮即被奴隸船送到美國，被拍賣，被強迫接受自己是奴隸的劇情。最令人難忘的是 Kuta Kinte 逃跑被獵犬追回後，白人主人把 Kuta Kinte 吊起，命另一個黑人來施鞭刑，每打一鞭白人工頭就問他「你的名字叫什麼？」已經血肉模糊的 Kuta 就擠出一句 My name is Kuta Kinte。白人工頭就下令再來一鞭，要他說他的名字叫 Toby。

而讓人最心痛的不是他肉體上的折磨，是當他最後受不了折磨，終於說出 My name is Toby 的那一刻。深刻的絕望讓人難以想像。

不禁聯想到日本殖民時的皇民化，國民黨殖民時不淮使用族名，原住民只能改用漢名時，是否有同樣的痛處？也許在自己的土地上，不能用自己的名字，比起 Kuta Kinte 更是不堪？

霧社事件中倖存者之一，賽德克霧社群荷歌社頭目塔達歐‧諾幹的女兒，娥嬪‧塔達歐說，她一生有三個名字。出生時父母給的娥嬪‧塔達歐。日本殖民時，她成為模範蕃童時日本人替她取的高山初子。

霧社事件後，她在日人安排下的原配原住民警員花崗二郎（註，不是花崗一郎的弟弟）選擇不幫族人也不幫日本人，穿著族服，以傳統洗刷污名回歸祖靈的方式自縊林間（花崗一郎選擇日本人的剖腹自殺）。日本人在事件後，強迫剩存族人搬到川中島（今清流），並將她配給另一名以前的模範蕃童中山清。國民黨殖民後她又被強迫改名高彩雲。她受訪的時候曾說如果能選擇改名，她希望用她出生時的名字。只可惜當政策終於改變，原住民可以使用族名，甚至以拉丁字母登記名字時， Obin‧Dadao女士卻已經過世了。

當鄧相揚醫師第一本相關書籍《霧重雲深》出版後，竟然引發霧社事件某位後裔上法院告鄧相揚誹謗，因為該當事人不願面對具有原住民血緣的事實，認為會影響他的社會地位。這帶給鄧相揚沈重的打擊，然而另一方面，也有相關後裔站出來為他辯護，令他感動莫名。鄧相揚事後表示，這反映台灣歷史的宿命，究竟有多少人能夠超越血緣認同呢？

又讓我想起歷史月刊中一篇介紹南部西拉雅族曾有過的新港語文書，其中提到：

根據李家簡譜，相傳祖先來自江蘇省新港府，但該省並無新港府。這當然牽涉到昔日族群歧視問題，使得先住民族群中的部分人，不敢公開承認自己的血統。曾於左鎮當牧師的藍慶和於一九九九年四月一次左鎮耆老座談會中表示：「本地有兵、買、穆、茅、哀等罕見的姓氏。每當教會聚會時，詢問是不是平埔族後代？大部分人都搖頭，不願意承認自己是『平埔仔』。」

又想起我爸爸常和我提起在他彰化老家有一個叫社頭的地方。在他還小的時候，當地還有人拜石頭公。但是不會有人承認他們不是漢人。

曾在國外史論版上看見韓國檀君世紀序，心有戚戚。

韓國檀君世紀序：

為國之道莫先於士氣、莫先於史學。何也？史學不明則士氣不振，士氣不振則國本搖矣、政法怠矣。蓋史學之法可貶者貶，可褒者褒。衡量人物論診時像莫非標準萬世者也。斯民之生厥惟久矣，創世條序亦加訂證國與史並存，人與政俱舉，皆自我所先所重者也。

嗚呼！政猶器、人猶道。器可離，道而存乎？國猶形、史猶魂。形可失，魂而保乎？並修道器者我也，俱衍形魂者亦我也。故天下萬事先在知我，也然則其欲知我自何而始乎！

...（這段在講韓國神道之三神，我們就跳過吧）

是故其欲立教者，須先立自我。革形者，須先革無形。此乃知我求獨之一道也。

嗚呼！痛矣。夫餘無夫餘之道，然後漢人入夫餘也。高麗無高麗之道，然後蒙古入高麗也。若其時之制先，而夫餘有夫餘之道，則漢人歸其漢也。高麗有高麗之道，則蒙古歸其蒙古也。

嗚呼！痛矣。向年潛青輩之邪論陰與百鬼夜行以男生發岐之逆心，相應而合勢。為國者，抑何自安於道器兩喪形魂全滅之時乎？

今外人干涉之政，去益滋甚，讓位重祚、任渠弄擅。如我大臣者徒束手而無策。何也？國無史而形失魂之故也！一大臣之能姑無可求之為言，而乃舉國之人皆救國自期，而求其所以為有益於救國，然後方可得以言救國也。然則救國何在哉？向所謂國有史、而形有魂也。神市開天自有其統。國因統而立民、因統而興史學，豈不重歟。

 

同樣是伸手不見五指的夜，但上次站在這個堤防上已經是四年前的事了。

「為什麼畢了業大家對原則的堅持就變了？」同學難掩哀傷的問。冷冷的海風讓她長髮覆面。看起來很像女鬼，我心裡這樣想。打從大一大家剛認識，她長長的頭髮，和慘白的面色就為她贏得了「貞子」這個外號。今天從來不化妝的她大概想證明什麼，但是一上粉，臉反而更白了。她一生中大概就這個時候最像貞子吧？

我蹲在堤防上，心不在焉的順口回答：「也許……維持原則變困難了，口頭上講講比事際上做容易吧？也許他們看清現實了？也許是我們還活在象牙塔裡，不願看清世界的真相？也許是我們太幼稚了。」我故意不看她，這樣漆黑的夜已經夠可怕了。

當年聽我們這樣叫，房間裡貼滿了徐若瑄海報的他抗議：「她不像貞子啊，她看起來像徐若瑄。」

不久後到處放電，女人緣好得很欠打的他，拋開了一堆長得像鍾楚紅，林志玲的愛慕者。開始主動追求這位，現在還覺得「他長得不怎樣啊」的女生。我一直沒告訴他，徐若瑄長得也很像貞子。我也沒告訴她，他長得很像戴眼鏡的言承旭。

Wow, now this takes courage.

Day, go check this guy out!
What William Hung's performance on American Idol.
He is called the Chinese Ricky Martin and I'll have to agree.

http://www.williamhung.net/

There is video clips of his brilient performance.

You should be proud of your fellow Asian civil engineer!

Anytime - Brian McKnight

I can't remember why we fell apart
From something that was so meant to be, yeah
Forever was the promise in our hearts
Now, more and more I wonder where you are

Do I ever cross your mind, anytime
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me
Do I ever cross your mind anytime
I miss you

Still have your picture in a frame
Hear your footsteps down the hall
I swear I hear your voice, driving me insane
How I wish that you would call
To say

Do I ever cross your mind, anytime
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me
Do I ever cross your mind anytime
I miss you

I miss you

(No more) loneliness and heartache
(No more) crying myself to sleep
(Don't want no more) wondering about tomorrow
Won't you come back to me
Come back to me, oh

Do I ever cross your mind, anytime
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me
Do I ever cross your mind anytime
I miss you

I miss you

=========================================================================

Did you ever wear the necklace that you loved so much again?
Did you ever wear the jacket I bought you?
Do you like it? You kept saying it's been windy, did it help you keep warm?

I miss you...

Hi baobei,

I was looking up running clubs around here and the closest running club is 30 minute away without traffic and there is always traffic. Then I realized, you are in a great place right now. I mean you live 5 minutes away from work. You live in the best part of Irvine, right next to the lake, in the center of all the activities. You live in Irvine, the nicest place I have ever lived in, and I lived in quite a few places in my life, none compare to Irvine. You are only one hour away from your parents’ home. You are only 30 minutes away from dragon boat practice. Last be not least, you are only 40 minutes away from the person you want to spend time with. Far enough so you don’t see each other everyday, but close enough to see each other anytime you want to. Granted you might feel like you don’t make enough money to really do what you want. But once you pay off your loan and your car, you have lots of free money to manage.

I know your job is tough and you are tired of it. I do think you should start looking for what you want to do in the future. Maybe even apply for some interviews and get some idea of what’s out there. But just hang on for one more year and you will get your license. Then the avenue of choice will open up to you. So just hang on a little longer, and everything will work out. I hope you get to like your job again, at least not let it bring you down so much, because you do have a great life. I am glad for you.

As for me, my boss’s wife gave me a bottle of Caladryl. I have to say it doesn’t really help. But the patches are getting less intense. I guess that’s always good.

Comedy network is coming out with a show to make fun of the Queer Eyes for the Straight Guy, called “Straight Plans for the Gay Man”. Hahaha. It’s about the Flab Four teaching gay man what it means to be straight. I haven’t seen it, but sure sounds pretty funny.

By the way, check your mail on Friday.

I miss you. Life is not the same without you.

Urs Rex

By the way, are you going to run in the wine country 5k?
By the way, what are your plans for your 3 day v-day weekend?

Day,

There is no right or wrong about how your feelings for me changed.
Of course that breaks my heart, but besides hoping to get you back, there are no blaming or pointing fingers.

You don't need to feel selfish or anything.
If Sebastian makes you happier than when you are with me, there's nothing I can do about it.
If seeing him during the weekends is more exhilarating than seeing me on the weekends, there nothing I can do about it.
If talking to him is more meaningful than talking to me, if you rather confide in him than confide in me,
I have failed at some point, and I didn't make you happy. I'll just have to accept that.
There is no anger towards you. Though there are lots of it towards myself.

I don't want you staying with me because you pity me.
I want the Day who wanted to stay with me because she loves me and wants to experience life with me.
Like how I want to experience life with her.
You don't need to feel sorry for me or pity me now either.
All I wanted is that you care about me, because you are my best friend.

I am upset, however, with the way you dealt with our relationship in the end.
At some point, when we were still together, you felt like you rather not talk to me about how you feel.
When you just left me and don't want to talk to me at all.
I felt I was a piece of an old toy, and you just want to shove me away and have nothing to do with it.
It is really unfair. I don’t deserve this. I care about you so much.

I don't want you to feel guilty when you think of me.
That is why you shouldn't just push me away or hide from me.
I don't want to be just one of your "acquaintances". I want to be your friend.
Someone you want to talk to. Someone you have fun hanging out with.
Someone you call up and ask how they are doing.
When you ever come by the Bay Area, you would want to drop by and visit me.
Or call me up one day and ask me to come down because you want to see me.

I am glad you are willing to write to me now.
Maybe we should have done this even when we were still together.
But it's not too late to start the healing process, right? ^_^~

I don't want to affect your mood when you are working, so I won't send you this through e-mail.
You can just read this on your own time in your cozy room.

For now, I wish you have a great morning and that work will get better for you.
Hope you have no guilt and no worries when you are with the one you love.
please know if you ever need me, I'll be there for you.

I'll miss you,

Yours,
Rex

p.s. I'll e-mail you my address later.
p.p.s. This girl looks like you in your comfee spot.






>Subject: hi
>Date: Thu, 12 Feb 2004 07:41:31
>
>R,
>
>I read your message board. I will start writing to you more. It is
>unfair that you share your emotions and you always get left out in the
>cold with mine. I don't have much time right now, but I wanted to let
>you know that I still think about you from time to time. I worry about
>whether you are getting better. I feel bad that I left you alone in san
>jose. I have a feeling of guilt. I felt like I was being selfish. Was
>I being selfish? Was I wrong to do what I did? To me, it doesn't feel
>wrong, but when I think of you, I feel bad. I think of how unfair it
>was to you. I just don't know sometimes. In a way, I wish that you
>were angry with me because I would understand why you were mad at me.
>but you don't seem mad at me and I just don't know how to deal with
>that. I want you to be part of my life, but there are things I need to
>sort out right now and I just don't know where you fit in. I hope this
>is fine for now.
>
>D
>
>p.s. I bought you a present, perhaps you can call it a x-mas,
>valentine's, birthday gift. I wanted to send it to you with some of
>your mail. What is your address again? If you would rather I didn't
>send you the stuff, just let me know.